Wrote this last night
I don't know how to think about this.
I was basically a good soldier
today - I got the work done - which was a lot extra today
because the 1st shift person did not show up.
I stayed a little late to get it done - I hope they don't
freak out at the extra cost of my labor.
I felt strong, like I don't like it, but I could do it,
to support myself and I felt like an adult plodder
then i came home and had my dinner - I thought
about service in the morning - and I thought about
how I am kind of getting used to this routine -
like I don't HAVE TO GET REST - I CAN STILL GO
TO SET UP CHAPEL despite working hard - -but in kind of a way I really want to
TO SET UP CHAPEL despite working hard - -but in kind of a way I really want to
sleep in even though I can just keep on keeping on.
I don't know how to wrap my head around this -
do I just forget about my personal desires?
and this is maturity? do I just learn to suck it up
and keep at the responsibilities?
I have Blue to care for when I get to the room -
I have Blue to care for when I get to the room -
I really want him to know he is number one...
I have to shower now - I must smell to high heaven.
I know now why priests and nuns always have a pong
of b.o. - they have to wear these heavy costumes all weathers
all the time - you kind of have to learn not to freak out when you start
overheating.
I'm going to shower and then record my purchases for the day
(i try to follow every penny in a ledger as it really makes for more effective spending for me.)
Then I should probably go onto the site - and then I'll see if something is online
on PBS.I talked to my aunt and I spoke about how I am getting used to the routine
here - and needing to suck it up and just do all that's requested of me -
I find myself feelng like something is lacking
like "this is it? this is it?"
I'm resisting just going with the flow -
"I don't know what I am made for?" here where I am right now in life
I should probably talk to my therapist about this
Replies
It would be great to have a therapist to discuss the things that you need to Mark..... Yes I think for the most part life is about the little everyday things
Can you request a morning off here and there to rest of do what you'd like to do for yourself?... Just a sleep in morning sometimes?
Maybe just knowing that you can will help when you think you need a little extra rest
Big squishy hug sweetie.... xo
Thanks Jan!
Perhaps it is my nature to be variable or to go back and forth undecided about a subject. For the most part it’s a great match here. To use Dad’s wisdom “there’s no nirvana “ and I shudder to think how I’d become not being here. Perhaps I would end up at another board and care eventually. Perhaps too we are meant to have all the uncomfortable feelings we have in life in order to appreciate and have the full human experience. ‘This place holds me well’, an observation from the Abbess about her experience here too, that I am seeing for myself. The mix of feelings and and the discords are all a part of life. I need to get going on my downtime projects here:-).
You're a "good soldier" every day, Mark! I'm always impressed by your efforts to live a balanced life. Enjoy the rest of your day!
I was just laying in bed and I was frozen in the peace of the place - and then I knew I had to drag myself out of bed to do
something - to get going on something. So that's my day. I go to work in a little while - and then tomorrow and Friday I am off!
Pub time!!
Thanks Susan!! You rock!!
i hold that forgetting your own wants and desires is irresponsible. the shrinks call it, "repression." buttttttaaaaaa. . . balance in all things. while it is irresponsible to neglect my own wants and desires, it limits my view of life to put myself at the center of the universe. there are things in life worth sucking it up for. the dignity of self-support and the spirit of community rank pretty high on that list for me.
i also still opine that you are as natural-born a questioner as i am. waffling back and forth is part of the questioning nature. use responsibly.
Maybe you feel like you're missing out on charity work too... I e heard some clergy works in food banks and such
Thanks Arfie and Ccleaver!