Wrote the Letter (trigger)

 
I wrote the letter last night to my stepbrother. I don't know if it's honest yet, so I'm not going to send it. I haven't felt that load off my chest like I did with my brother confronting him. It comes slowly, so I'm going to give it some time. You are all right about me needing to do this for myself and not for others, and I am. I just want to be able to have my sister see that if I can do it then she can too. She just had a falling out with my stepdad, it wasn't anything like him grabbing her boobs. She has the right to feel bad about what happened, but I think that she takes it out of control. She hasn't processed what was done to her, so she's still pissed and hurt about it. With me, I've been trying to let go. I don't want him to have control over me anymore..... well, he doesn't anymore. Here's the letter:
 
[name removed]
It's 5am as I write this, sitting in Miami with my husband nearby. I can't sleep because I have you on my mind. It's nothing new... you have been in my nightmares for years. But I'm moving on. I'm not going to let you have control over my life anymore. I'm stronger than that now. For so many years (it's been almost 20) I have let you control me. You prevented me from seeking a relationship sooner with my husband, and impaired our sex life. But I'm not going to let you do that anymore. I'm moving on. I forgive you, Tony. I forgive you for all the things you did to me, those horrible things. For making me your personal sex toy. For forcing me to go down on you. That one was the hardest, I must admit. You raped me, you see, and I lost my innocence that day. Rape is defined as sex without consent, and it was oral sex without my consent. I should be glad you did that, though, since it took that action to make me see that what you were doing to me was wrong. You helped me break the cycle. I didn't tell anyone for years, and only now do I have the courage to tell people what happened. And you know what? They don't blame me. They say it's not my fault because it wasn't. You took advantage of your younger sister for your own pleasure.
For years I thought that what you were doing to me was normal. That it was normal for boys to fondle their sisters and the other things you did. This goes beyond “playing doctor”. I knew kids did that, so I just thought that it was like that, but people didn't talk about it. It took you orally raping me to break that in my head that it was wrong, and not normal. I'm not glad for what you did to me, but it made me a stronger person. I can hold my head high and say that I'm better than that, that I've been abused and gotten over it. Not many people can say that.
I want to forgive you for myself. I don't know if you are worthy of my forgiveness, if you are sorry for what you did, or if you didn't even think about it for the past 20 years. But I need to move on for myself. This is purely a selfish act. I know you have your own wife and kid now, and I hope you don't hurt them like you hurt me. I hope you have matured and moved on. But I don't expect that. I hope you don't mind that I'm not giving you my contact information. Teresa should be giving you this letter, and if you want to say something, say it to her and she will pass it on to me. But only if you're sorry. If you are sorry, you will find a way. You don't need to make things right.. I've gotten them right in my own heart.
 
 
Food today was okay... I was a bit over my calories, but I went to work and they all missed me so they bought me lunch and there was doughnuts. Mood today was good... I made it into work for about 3 hours which is standard. Fridays I normally try and stay longer, but I didn't want to today. I was just too tired. I slept better last night, but I'm still waking up in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep. That's why I wrote the letter at 5am. I had woken up at 4am, and didn't fall back asleep until after 6. Stress today was low... I am feeling a bit better after writing the letter, but not that huge stone fall away yet.