Writing
I have made writing a priority since "it" happened. If it is helping, I can't even imagine what I would be going through if I had not been writing. So it's supposed to help??? Well okay, it makes sense in theory, I am just not feeling it, or I don't think I am.
Could it mean less because I am writing too much??? In too many different areas??>> I write a blog, I have my journal here, I have my own beautiful pink journal, I write in the old fashioned way and also have a beautiful journal that I write letters to Cassi in. The cover is a copy of Van Gogh's "Almonds in Bloom". I have canvas prints of several Van Gogh reproductions in her room. She loved Vincent Van Gogh...I think she felt a kinship...related to the mental illness he suffered while also admiring his amazing work. I also have my facebook account, but I try to not write too much, mostly repost videos and posters that mean a lot to me and I hope will help others.
I have my husband, my sister, my mother, friends and my daughter's friends...I have my psychiatrist, who not only writes prescriptions, but comforts me despite the fact he is not paid for talk therapy. I found a counselor I like...also named Gina.
I knew, from the time I decided to live through this, to not take my own life, as was my first thought, what I had planned, that I would need as much help as possible. Yet, today, while grocery shopping (which I drove myself to, by myself)I passed a large display of Pop-Tarts and instinctively started to grab some boxes...Cassi loved Pop-Tarts. Ouch!
Time...my SOTH's tell me...Time...sigh...thank you for your kind thoughts and words. I know you do all you can...hoping this is a low point on a rollercoaster and I will begin my assent soon.
Could it mean less because I am writing too much??? In too many different areas??>> I write a blog, I have my journal here, I have my own beautiful pink journal, I write in the old fashioned way and also have a beautiful journal that I write letters to Cassi in. The cover is a copy of Van Gogh's "Almonds in Bloom". I have canvas prints of several Van Gogh reproductions in her room. She loved Vincent Van Gogh...I think she felt a kinship...related to the mental illness he suffered while also admiring his amazing work. I also have my facebook account, but I try to not write too much, mostly repost videos and posters that mean a lot to me and I hope will help others.
I have my husband, my sister, my mother, friends and my daughter's friends...I have my psychiatrist, who not only writes prescriptions, but comforts me despite the fact he is not paid for talk therapy. I found a counselor I like...also named Gina.
I knew, from the time I decided to live through this, to not take my own life, as was my first thought, what I had planned, that I would need as much help as possible. Yet, today, while grocery shopping (which I drove myself to, by myself)I passed a large display of Pop-Tarts and instinctively started to grab some boxes...Cassi loved Pop-Tarts. Ouch!
Time...my SOTH's tell me...Time...sigh...thank you for your kind thoughts and words. I know you do all you can...hoping this is a low point on a rollercoaster and I will begin my assent soon.
Replies
Ahh yes the roller coaster ride...up and down and rights and lefts...a rough ride. I remember feeling insane as I was grocery shopping...all I could see were Alex\'s favorite foods...seemed like there were some in every aisle. I could hold the tears back (most times) until I got to the car...then sob all the way home. It hurts my friend...I know. Write as much as you want. Love and gentle hugs...Karen
Keep writing - your words and the way you express your feelings help me so much because I can identify with each one of them. You may not feel like you are a blessing to anyone but you are --- to me!! It\'s a long roller coaster and I always hated roller coasters - up and down, up and down, around and around. Isn\'t that the way we feel since losing our child? I am looking to the day that the spinning, up and down, will become less in time. ((hugs)) Vicki
I avoided Ikea for a couple of years, especially the toy department. My granddaughter had to go to Edmonton (a larger city) for a echocardiogram. On our way home, Lisa wanted to stop at Ikea. I think she wanted to show off her little \'peanut\'. We spent a lot of time in the toy department. I cried the first couple of times I went to Ikea, and still have a hard time passing the toys.
There are so many triggers. Now I can often smile when I see them. But if I am down already, they bring tears.
This journey is sure not easy.
I am so happy that you chose life. It really does get easier.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Can\'t tell you how many times I fell to the floor, literally, while in the grocery store. First few times I went, I ended up sitting in my car crying and cussing the shoppers as they walked in and out as if the entire world had not drastically changed! How dare they!
I found this amazing group....before it was even a group....about 6-7 weeks after the accident. I spent about 15-20 hours a day here....writing and reading. I\'d write 2 or 3 or 10 times a day sometimes. I really do believe it was helpful to me. SO much emotion, TOO much, for me to keep inside. I had to release, and writing was a great way (still is) for me to do that. I was always in shock when anyone would read my ramblings! But OH, how I clung to each word, each encouragement shared by moms who walked with me and just ahead of me! Even the encouragements I couldn\'t possibly begin to believe in! But it was like Joanie always says....seeds were being planted and a lot of work was being done \"under ground\". I\'d like to think I\'m blooming today (and not just a blooming idiot! LOL!)
The only caution I would offer regarding writing...or anything else for that matter...would be if it feels like it\'s a chore, like it\'s too much for you, leaves you more empty and lost, if you\'re being overwhelmed by it....slow it down. For me, it was a lifeline, and never a chore.
Kala loved Pop-Tarts too....
Your writing is helping because it is not only helping you but all who read it. It is a lifeline and when you feel the urge to write there is a reason, so never hesitate. So often the ramblings and musings of our hearts begin to take shape in this new puzzle of life when they are reworked, rearranged and allowed to take shape outside of us and not held tight in a container.
I still feel a hiccup in my heart when I see things that Douglas loved and he was my ketchup and sauce man. He had to get an extra small cup just to put ketchup in at Wendy\'s (one of his favorite fast food places) so that he would not run out. Also, I can hear him asking me what he should eat as he stood with the fridge door open and I was always reminding him to please not stand there with the door open for \"hours.\" What I wouldn\'t give today to see that fridge door open and him standing in front of it.
Walking beside you dearest Gina with these intense longings for your beautiful Cassi, and keep writing when you feel the urge to... It\'s a lifeline for healing and it matters as do YOU.
Love and heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
Yesterday I did the food shopping. The store is close to my therapist\'s office and it\'s the only one I can go into around here because April never went there with me. This hasn\'t happened in a long time: I was suddenly flooded by the sight of things she would have wanted, I would have bought for her. I began to cry, in public, pushing my supermarket cart. Fortunately, I was able to control it.
The first thanksgiving that my Brandon was gone was one of the hardest. He LOVED Thanksgiving but especially loved the stuffing. I always made him his own bowl, large bowl. I was standing in Walmart in the isle where the dressing was and just had a meltdown. Cried and cried. My husband was with me, thank goodness.
Writing is wonderful because not only is it therapeutic it helps us to remember the little things because there are so many.
Hope your day has at least a few moments of peace and comfort.
Xoxoxo, Joan
About a year after Josh died, my husband and I went into a store and I saw some baby jeans there. It put a bit of smile on my face, so I asked my husband, Dave, if he remembered the tiny jeans I made for Josh out of his old jeans. His eyes welled up and I heard him sniff. I felt so badly that a happy memory for me was overwhelming for Dave.
Gina, you write beautifully, it is one of your gifts. I am sure other mothers who are gifted in different ways will benefit from your writing because it is what is on their minds too, but they may express it in music, poetry or art. As for whether you are writing too much, only you can decide that... (Sometimes I wish I had written more in my private journal.)
Oh it\'s definitely helping even if you don\'t realize it yet. If you didn\'t let your thoughts and feelings out you would go crazy and deny grief which only postpones it. I usually keep my feelings to myself but when I joined here, I just felt like all these wonderful ladies knew exactly what I was going through and I just know it helped me. Hope the same for you...HUGS, Connie
Oh baby, just keep writing! Reach out to us as we reach out to you! Gina, it helps to write it out to those who TRULY understand and are here for you and you here for us. I remember not long after Michael died, I stood at the Target store. Just stood there. I imagined that at any moment, Michael would come down from an aisle and say \"MOM, here I am\". How clearly I remember wishing that. Wishing to hear his voice on the phone, asking me to pick him up from the Greenbelt Metro Station...I once left work to pick him up. What I would give to do it again! I know you have heard that time heals and maybe it is not exactly true that it heals, but it sure does help to come to terms with it. Hang in there with us! We are here for you and you are here for us.
Peace.
If you feel overwhelmed, by all the writing, give yourself a little time off. If you feel it helps you, by all means, continue. You are the only one, who can answer that. I don\'t write many journals, because they seem to depress me. We are all different, but the same!!! We are SOTHS and we all understand!!!
(((HUGS)))...Julia