Wow, that was rough!

Today was a haaaaaaaard day!  I was dealing w/ some serious resentment issues from yesterday.  It was just one of those days where I was having a difficult time dealing w/ hubby's neediness.  Heh, is that a word?!  Well, it is now.  I say so! Anyhow, yesterday was just one of those days where I was having a rough time keeping my frustration dealing w/ obligation in check.  And it boiled over when Tony had a minor panic attack.  Heck, it wasn't even an attack.  More of a minor offense.  But still, it had pushed me over the edge.I couldn't get to sleep.  I tossed & turned & awoke about once an hour.  Then I turned back on the A/C.  Then I slept for about 2 hours before the next spell.  So, I was tired this morning & moreover, all day long.  The rage had gone unresolved.  I spent much of the AM somewhat daydreaming (I say somewhat, because aren't daydreams supposed to be about pleasant things?!) about cutting myself.  And I was flicking the rubber band all day long creating pink scars.  They just wouldn't last, so I kept doing it.  I wanted to SEE THE SCARS so that I could remind myself what kind of incredibly awful person I am.I calmed down pretty much by lunch time.  But I was still pretty, shall we say, cranky for the remainder of the day.  And I still wanted a goddamn smoke all goddamn day long.  Fuck, I WANT A SMOKE NOW!  When will that urge quit?!  My mom said it took a good year for her to finally conquer the nic fits.I really need a positive outlet for my anger.  Granted, I'm proud of myself.  I work w/ scalpels all day long.  But I resisted the temptation today.  I didn't cut.  I didn't smoke.  I swallowed it up, which isn't good.  But at least I didn't cut!  *sigh* I'll figure it out one of these days ... I hope.