WOW havnt wrote sense mon. its thurs july 31,2014 6ish p.m.

Ok, here we go. havnt wrote in here sense monday, had to clean this pig sty for one of our FAMOUS INSPECTIONS!!!! I HATE THEM...... ok so i do what has to be done. Son helped a little. then it was wed wene the little guy came. He is a bed bug sniffer, ha ha. Dont get me wrong, im very ludky that they spray every 2 months and now w/ the dog EVERY TWO MONTHS. Thats great WE NEVER SEE BUGS OR VERMENT THANK GOD. Cause around here in this old biulding, if we had bugs? AHHHH poeple moving in and out all the time, it would be bad. so its good. but i always have to be on guard, I guess im just a slob by nature, no i am, i admit it. I learned to clean from my cousin. OK here goes, hope this site sucure. I REALY MISS MY MOTHER. She was MURDERED on the road by a peice of shit that had to drink and drive and have a death wish. I was THE WORST CHILD EVER. The things i did to my poor loving mama. i ran away from home so many times they were afriad to call on me cause the po po said they would take me from the house if i did it again thats how many times. I wasnt abused at all. Lived in a nice subdivision, middle class, wene there was one, but dont get me started on a rant, i digress, ok i was afraid of them they were strict on me, so if i was gone too late, i would just run away, hiched to Calafornia w/my best freind wene i was 13 yes i said 13, but back then all the cool kids were doing it. then i proceeded to get pregnat out of wedlock at 14yrs old in 1976. Got kicked out of school, CAUSE YOU KNOW I WAS CONTAIGUS. Then when son born, oh she loved him SOOOO MUCH. She suffered her whole life for us. my real dad left when she was preggo w/me. then she married a man she DID NOT LOVE AT ALL just so we would have a better life, real dad was a bumm, no good never met, so anyway, i was a great sourse of heartach to my poor mom. she had deep depression all the time, got hooked on pain pills, finnaly kicked them after many yrs and accidents and well, me. Thats when the asshole murdered her. She was only 49 yrs old, my youngest will never know her. I have always shoved things down deep, still am, so i dont think i properly mourned her death. If she was here now. we would be laughing and be freinds, i was a 21yr old orfin. Oh ya i had good old step dad who moved my 1st evil step mother in THE DIRT WASNT EVEN SETTELED YET. then after she left him he got w step bitch no 2. she made him sell family house and kick us all out, that included me and my now 2 sons. all alone i had to try and raise them having to work lots and try to put food on table as both of there fathers abandond me. I was all alone. I didnt do it right. i wanted them to be my freinds, my sons would tell me EVERYTING. But i wasnt a good mother. they always had what they needed, but i drank and tried to forget all my prob, worked in bars sometimes 2 jobs at a time, so i did EVERYTING  for them instead of teaching them how. so now i have my second son who i feel the most guilty about, is 30 living w/me no job LOTS OF SOCIAL PROBS  and i just feel like i broke 2 people. There was not alot of help back then for me as far as the kids. Oldest son is at leaste 400 lbs, and the younger one drinks when he can. I know i cant undo the mess ive  made, but i dont know how to stop letting my son walk on me. I cant even afford food, he did go and graduated colledge, sits around playing games and im such an inabaler and i dont know how to stop. so thats whats on my mind lately. I FEEL SO DEFEETED. so glad i can type this out. there is so much to the story of me, i could write a book but no one would believe. I WAS STUBBURN GANNA DO IT ALL MYSELF I AM WOMEN TYPE SHIT but boys REALY NEED A FATHER. so now its just a cluster fuck of my own making.Thats what ive been thinking about lately. I MISS YA MOM. we would have been so close. I was so old wen she was MURDERED that nobody could realy tell me what to do which is a shame, cause i was and am CLUELESS and very sad Im older than my mon EVER was. thats not right...........wish i could cry, tought self not to yrs ago. need a good long cry.scared i will never stop so i cant and wont. its a big prob, im mad alot when im realy sad. need to get  all this out.But at leaste i dont have bed bugs so i guess thats something. R.I.P. my beautiful sweet mama. your w/ the lord now. no more pain for you................p.s i am so sorry mama. If my boys did half the tings i did iwould be in rubber room along time ago, i say i have a little while before i accually end up there, need to confirm my reservation i guess ha, but not so much ha  more later.....