wow, been awhile....

Well, it has been awhile since i have written in my journal.  It is January 13, friday the 13th to say the least.  I was served with a restraining order, finally, on the 5th of the month.  I am fighting it.  She lied.  She said that i did not have a job and she is afraid that i am going to flee the state with my children. She is the one planning to leave... She also said that i threatened her, which i never did.  I only said that she is acting very crazy and that if she is going to deny my visitation or take the kids out of the state, i will fight for full custody of the boys.  I love her so much and do not want this divorce at all still.  I keep thinking to myself, why do i still love her?  How can i love someone who hurts me so much?  Why hang on to something that isnt even working out?  The only answer i come up with, is that i was serious (and still am) about the vows that i took.  I still love her and want her to be my spouse forever.  I am trying still so hard to quit smoking. I have failed miserably lately, but still am trying.  I am still getting the help that i need though.  I have not stopped going to counseling, and have never given up any hope about this marriage.  I kind of regret writing what i wrote in my petition to the restraining order.  Even though she did lie, i do not want her in any trouble at all.  I love her and do not want aything negative to happen to her.  I want to talk to her and fix our marriage.  She still means the world to me.  I am so worried about her and my boys, because i do care.  I need to get on here more often and try to write some more.  It has been a very chaotic past few weeks with work.  I am attempting to sell more contracts while working a full 60 plus hours a week.  My paychecks have been steady lately, which is good.  There has been a few people introduced into my life that have been very helpful towards me, and i cannot thank god enough.  I am still trying to clean my apartment, as it has been a mess for a few weeks lately. My son and i have made a mess of it on the new years weekend, and i have been too busy lately to clean it.  I hope things start to look up here shortly.  I still want to go to counseling with Sarah, to at least address the issues that WE have together, and start to work on them, together.  I Miss her so much.  Still, even after all the hurt hat i have been dealt, i love her and want her.  I am tring so hard still to completely fix myself.  I do admit, i am looking more into things and not just jumping into the 'mix' so to speak.  I actually think about my actions and such before doing them.  I just wish sarah would see that.  I also am praying more and more each day.  I have been doing very well at work.  I actually have to go to court for an arrest that i enacted last week.  I have never had to go to court for an arrest, normally my paperwork is good enough to seal the deal.  But oh, well, i guess there is a first time for everything.  Please continue to pray for me and everybody else on this site that is in need of prayer. Maybe next week is a good day to quit smoking.  I will try harder next week, as this week doesnt look too bright.  I have felt like crap all week and am getting worse by each day.  I still have this slight cough, that has not gotten any better.  OH well though.  IT is what it is.