Would It Matter?

Deep down, way down, I am angry. My worst enemy is the one I despise as he looks back at me from the mirror. Reading books, changing meds.....there is nothing for the soul, for the heart. I just want to fall asleep one night and never wake up. To family and friends I appear fine; I appear as "me." I don't like "me." I can't control my thoughts any longer; I have created my own nightmare with my castastrophizing, and I feel it is real. As real as the cuts and scrapes on my arm. How can God love and forgive someone like me? There is nobody here. I miss Dad. I miss how I used to be.