Worser and Worser
I will call it practice. Maybe a try out. The cord again. I didn't tie it, that is too dangerous. I just want to be sure I can do this should things get to that point. I believe it is a personal choice. I have struggled for 40 years and I am in such a bad place right now. I am slowly eating myself to death and can't control it. I think I should at least be left with a little dignity. Things need to turn around soon. I need to have the big break through. As it is right now, my nightmare is coming true. I am hurtling out of control in slow motion.
My body hurts. Every step reminds me how I have methodically destroyed myself. Every wheeze lets me know that I am being crushed under my own weight.
I tried to sit down face to face with one of my demons last night. I wanted to talk to my food demon and see what he/she is all about. As it turns out the food demon is a "he". He is very angry. He doesn't speak much. If anything maybe a scream or 2. I asked Demon who he was angry with. He attacked the little me. He hit her so hard she flew through the air. He was going to jump on her again. I stepped in between and asked why he wanted to hurt little me. he said it was because she was stupid and it was all her fault. I said no, attack the ones responsible and pointed him to my abusers and my father. My demon did attack them but it didn't make him happy or satisfied. Demon stopped and began spinning faster and faster until he was like a small muscular tornado. He spun full force into the shed and outhouse, Boards and glass flew everywhere. It sounded like a train blowing through. The building was leveled. Conversation was over.
It's late and I'm tired. I have a long day tomorrow. Hopefully I am tired enough to sleep soundly.
My body hurts. Every step reminds me how I have methodically destroyed myself. Every wheeze lets me know that I am being crushed under my own weight.
I tried to sit down face to face with one of my demons last night. I wanted to talk to my food demon and see what he/she is all about. As it turns out the food demon is a "he". He is very angry. He doesn't speak much. If anything maybe a scream or 2. I asked Demon who he was angry with. He attacked the little me. He hit her so hard she flew through the air. He was going to jump on her again. I stepped in between and asked why he wanted to hurt little me. he said it was because she was stupid and it was all her fault. I said no, attack the ones responsible and pointed him to my abusers and my father. My demon did attack them but it didn't make him happy or satisfied. Demon stopped and began spinning faster and faster until he was like a small muscular tornado. He spun full force into the shed and outhouse, Boards and glass flew everywhere. It sounded like a train blowing through. The building was leveled. Conversation was over.
It's late and I'm tired. I have a long day tomorrow. Hopefully I am tired enough to sleep soundly.
Replies
I understand and agree that the decision to kill yourself is a personal choice. I just wonder who\'s making the choice.
xx
Oh Cecil. I also agree it is a personal choice and remember you also said should things get to this point.
I was where you are. My weight was spinning out of control, I had my own demons and still do. I could not seem to get myself out of bed for months at a time and when I did it was to the bathroom or fridge. It hurt like hell but I made one huge step in one day and from there it has been a lot of little ones. Three and a half years later I am so different.
You saw me this week. I did not think I had anything left and all the work I did was in the toilet. Support from here and one friend helped me turn it around somehow.
During those almost four years I made small goals after I went into a mania rage and made the huge step. The little ones were five per day. Two were required if I was depressed or not. Shower and emotion regulation. The other three were different each day.... vac, clean out a cupboard, clean out a closet on and on. I found myself doing more then I planned little by little. Instead of fixating on my entire body (and I have very bad self esteem from years of mental abuse and the eating) I would focus on my skin. Then getting my hair healthy, Nice toes or something
I could go on with this but it is always up to us to make the change and if our minds or bodies will allow us to do so. There were times I pushed too hard and fell back a day or two and I\'m only offering you my experience. My moods can be extreme and I have been where you are. I know exactly how many pills to take, where to go. My doctor asked if I had a plan, I was honest and said of course I do! She asked me to promise I would be safe and I said no - I cannot promise anything because I might get hit by a car tomorrow.
You are in my thoughts and a lot of us are or have been here. Sending you much love and if you need to talk let me know.