Worried and Anxious
So here's what I'm learning: worrying does not change anything! Worrying is not an activity, it is a type of doing, and nothing actually gets accomplished until some action is taken physically. Worrying is an escape, and a habit; it is "Negative Dreaming". Dreaming is a pretty cool self-calming behavior since in dreaming everything works out just the way you want in order to feel good. It is the same with worrying, nothing works out and you do it to feel bad and afraid. Worrying does not change the future, nor the past. It doesn't DO anything, except maybe change your brain chemistry and operation of your neurotransmitters. That's all. It is self-indulgent, and then you have to face reality anyway. Worrying is way to avoid the present moment and the belief that you are a victim and cannot state what you want because you are 1) either feeling not competent enough to know what to say or do perfectly, or 2) it won't work out the way you are dreaming it "should". Worrying is all about avoiding the feeling you need to be prepared for everything and anything and know that you lack the power to control everything. Worrying is just a sign that you need more training in how to behave in the now moment to "control", NOT everything and everyone else, but yourself. And it is just training, knowing and believing you know what to do to take care of yourself. Worrying is just a sign that you need more training on how to act in your own behalf for yourself. The dependency part of worrying is still the dependence on others to play THEIR role in YOUR dream. Remember the "It's not supposed to be this way" comment you hear or tell yourself sometimes? That's the result of worrying; not getting what you want. I feel it is still about learning how to recover from disappointment.
I get this from a comment from my therapist who flatly stated yesterday: "you don't have to think about that now. It is a remnant of you survival mentality from childhood." So for the rest of today I will focus on being aware of my feelings of worry or dread and know it is a futile defense for my survival, and an old habit; and to disengage my mind from seeking all the possible outcomes and how to manage each one. And to just stop doing it and give myself permission to act how I need to act to protect my likes and dislikes, and minimize my concerns for behaving how someone else wants me to act for their likes and dislikes. It is breaking the chain of feeling obligated to protect anyone else's feelings of likes and dislikes but my own. As children we really were victims of our bigger, stronger, smarter parents; we were then never taught differently...okay...maybe I should speak for myself here: "I" was conditioned to feel a victim and helpless to defend myself, and was never taught differently. Okay? (It doesn't matter if you think "okay" or not, these comments are not about you nor do they require you agreement to be true for me...so there!) ;-)
There's probably more, but I have to go now...I think I've got it, and I'm not going to worry about getting it until I need to act instead of dream. Time to wake up!
Let's go back to the focus: watch for the trigger, worrying, and change my reaction to a response of stopping the worrying about how things will or need to be. They will be what they will be, and I will start to learn to trust myself, no matter what the outcome until I learn how to get the outcomes that I CAN control to be acceptable. You would think that I spend all my life thinking about what I "DON'T want...and you'd be right! Time to start learning to be active in the present reality to get what I like as a reward to myself. Or something like that...
;-)
I get this from a comment from my therapist who flatly stated yesterday: "you don't have to think about that now. It is a remnant of you survival mentality from childhood." So for the rest of today I will focus on being aware of my feelings of worry or dread and know it is a futile defense for my survival, and an old habit; and to disengage my mind from seeking all the possible outcomes and how to manage each one. And to just stop doing it and give myself permission to act how I need to act to protect my likes and dislikes, and minimize my concerns for behaving how someone else wants me to act for their likes and dislikes. It is breaking the chain of feeling obligated to protect anyone else's feelings of likes and dislikes but my own. As children we really were victims of our bigger, stronger, smarter parents; we were then never taught differently...okay...maybe I should speak for myself here: "I" was conditioned to feel a victim and helpless to defend myself, and was never taught differently. Okay? (It doesn't matter if you think "okay" or not, these comments are not about you nor do they require you agreement to be true for me...so there!) ;-)
There's probably more, but I have to go now...I think I've got it, and I'm not going to worry about getting it until I need to act instead of dream. Time to wake up!
Let's go back to the focus: watch for the trigger, worrying, and change my reaction to a response of stopping the worrying about how things will or need to be. They will be what they will be, and I will start to learn to trust myself, no matter what the outcome until I learn how to get the outcomes that I CAN control to be acceptable. You would think that I spend all my life thinking about what I "DON'T want...and you'd be right! Time to start learning to be active in the present reality to get what I like as a reward to myself. Or something like that...
;-)
Replies
Hi Rich,
Wow, great insight again. I like what your therapist told you, too and will remind myself of the same. For me, worry is one bad habit that I learned and have not broken, yet. And as you said, it accomplishes nothing except probably negatively impacts our physical beings and gives the illusion that we are \"doing something\" when we (I) are in fact, doing nothing but spinning useless thoughts.
Hugs and Keep the Faith!
Shar
Hi Friend, I agree with your therapist, I believe you really can go out and get what you want.
I feel like the purpose of the worrying is the co-dependent nature of having the perfect answer for all possible conditions and outcomes, so as to control how I am perceived BY OTHERS! It is still the evaluating-of-myself habit. The strangest connection or association came to me while I was thinking about what I wrote here later: my brother getting the crap beat out of him (an exaggeration) by mom or dad. It probably wasn\'t THAT bad, it\'s not like he had to be taken to the hospital ever, it was the screaming and the extent of the drama involved. That observing of \"the crime\" (punishment by a bigger stronger parent) may have been too traumatic for me, due to the exaggeration of pain. Hell! IT CONVINCED ME! To the extent of \"how do I prevent that from happening to ME?! What is important was becoming aware of the image and feeling that came up from just writing the words above; the association. I\'m getting used to asking \"where did you learn that?\" And waiting for an answer---not \"thinking\" about an answer, wait for the feeling to emerge---\"Where did I get that feeling from? What does it remind me of?\" And after a while, it came out. Of course, just because it came out the way it did doesn\'t make it true! It just means I have some sort of association for the feeling of worry, and that past associated event that came from a remembered feeling. It is the feeling that counts, not the re-creation of the source event in reality.
Anyway, this is all about my stress at work and changing career supervisors. I may realistically not be able to do the job I was hired to do; it is much too hectic, stressful, and demanding. It does not require thoroughness and patience; it requires lots of speed in thinking and reacting, or just plain acting. I feel my co-dependency is showing in not being bold and pushy. On the other hand, I am being motivated (forced) to get out of my comfort zone. It could be a blessing disguised as the discomfort involved in changing. If I keep doing things the way I always have, I\'ll still be where I am today. Dreams and magic are one thing, I may be getting introduced to reality. I\'ll see what happens, and accept whatever that is. I\'m still learning to take care of myself, and this is just the next set of lessons.
;-\\
And now that I\'m almost finished a just re-read your two comments, it seems I am spending a lot of time talking (another form of worrying) instead of acting. No more planning and preparing. Stay as much in the present as I can manage.
Whew!
Hi Rich,
I think looking at the changes as a blessing in disguise is healthy thinking. I had a small thing going on with my church nemesis, but I came to a similar conclusion. She is doing me a favor because I have to keep practicing take care of self.
In the same way, this is maybe a bit tough, but you can adjust. By going outside of our comfort zones and stretching, well, here comes self-growth. :-)
Keep the Faith and Boldly Go!
Shar