WORLD on my shoulders.....
Well, its been awhile since I have written again.Computer is froze or kids are already fighting over whose turn it is to use computer so i just keep everything in.I really miss DS land it has helped me so ,over the years .i just wish for once I could write that life is great and moveing forward.Things always seem to go from bad to worse.I try so hard to be a positive and thankful person but it never seems to last.Christmas has just sparked all the stress,worry and sadness that i already feel.The weight of the world on my shoulders is an understatement.As usual on Christmas I do whatever i have to do to give my family a good holiday.Decorations,makeing cookies,snacks for christmas eve and the big christmas dinner and of course presents.Little do they know or care i have bounced the maximum number of checks in three bank accounts borrowed $600 and i didnt even buy half that i usually do.That was for everyday liveing expences through the month.I am on disability and have already figured out my money for january and its 0...I have no idea how i can pay people back or even pay my january bills..i know its my own fault but how can you admit to a family that you are a failure and cant do as usual for christmas.Life was pretty hard when it was me,hubby and four kids.Since we have added a man and his son that live in a camper on our property and i now have a grandson to help raise and support.Thats nine people that i am responcible for as well as five dogs,eight cats,three birds and fish.Everyone depends on me to keep a roof over our heads,keep the electric and heat going.Make sure everyone has enough to eat .....I am drowning....I just cant take anymore.I dont want to be the responcible one.When things go wrong ,like us now haveing no money what so ever,its MY fault..I am just so tired and deppressed.....I have always had a big heart and took people and animals in who needed a place.I worked one and two jobs over the years to provide for my family .Then i was in a car crash that i almost died and now due to severe pain , i have to be on disability.i always ask god why he let me live if i have to live like this...It would be nice for just once someone else figure everything out in my life ...i am just so very tired with the weight of the world on my shoulders....
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