working on forgiveness
During my last therapy session my therapist gave me the name and number of a priest to call to go to confession, she handed me the paper and said," you don't have to call but if you want to he'll be happy to see you."
I called.
I was nervous but I did it, something inside of me said it was time. So I called, set up an appointment to see him, which was this past Wednesday and I went. After over 5 years of shrugging it off and making excuses to not go, I met with this nice priest and I confessed, right away I didn't feel completely anew but as time has progressed I feel better. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I no longer need to fear church. I am really considering finding a church to attend regularly again. I put going to church on the back burner for so long now. I want to feel the strength in numbers with fellow believers. I want to go now, of course yesterday I didn't go and I should have but the next step is finding a church I feel comfortable going to. I know that sounds odd but I want a priest I can talk to, and a place where I won't be judged. Most churches are like this but some I don;t feel comfortable in.
He told me I need to forgive myself, apparently it is clear to a perfect stranger this hasn't happened yet, but like I have said before it is easier said than done. How do you forgive yourself for such a thing? How do I look at myself again and say I am proud? I know that I have done great things since and I plan to do more good things in the future to repent and carry on ad make amends for the life I took but to me the things I have done and will do are my forgiveness. But the wounds still stays open and the pain is still there. It is healing oh, yes it has healed greatly over the last few months but when I talk about it it brings back the age old question in my mind, HOW DO I FORGIVE MYSELF? I feel others have forgiven me, God, my family, him but what about myself? I have been selfless in my forgiveness trying to make it up to the world so to speak, but as for me what will be the final step? where will I feel I have earned my own forgiveness? I have always been one to forgive others, I try hard not to hold grudges with others, I forgive but I don't forget what others have done to me. Why can't I forgive myself? I struggle with this and am still struggling.
I have had a pretty good couple of weeks, buckling down and focusing on school work, and work. The semester is in full swing now and there is plenty to do. I have been busy for weeks now already. I am finding time to do everything that needs done, which makes me happy.
I called.
I was nervous but I did it, something inside of me said it was time. So I called, set up an appointment to see him, which was this past Wednesday and I went. After over 5 years of shrugging it off and making excuses to not go, I met with this nice priest and I confessed, right away I didn't feel completely anew but as time has progressed I feel better. I feel like a weight has been lifted and I no longer need to fear church. I am really considering finding a church to attend regularly again. I put going to church on the back burner for so long now. I want to feel the strength in numbers with fellow believers. I want to go now, of course yesterday I didn't go and I should have but the next step is finding a church I feel comfortable going to. I know that sounds odd but I want a priest I can talk to, and a place where I won't be judged. Most churches are like this but some I don;t feel comfortable in.
He told me I need to forgive myself, apparently it is clear to a perfect stranger this hasn't happened yet, but like I have said before it is easier said than done. How do you forgive yourself for such a thing? How do I look at myself again and say I am proud? I know that I have done great things since and I plan to do more good things in the future to repent and carry on ad make amends for the life I took but to me the things I have done and will do are my forgiveness. But the wounds still stays open and the pain is still there. It is healing oh, yes it has healed greatly over the last few months but when I talk about it it brings back the age old question in my mind, HOW DO I FORGIVE MYSELF? I feel others have forgiven me, God, my family, him but what about myself? I have been selfless in my forgiveness trying to make it up to the world so to speak, but as for me what will be the final step? where will I feel I have earned my own forgiveness? I have always been one to forgive others, I try hard not to hold grudges with others, I forgive but I don't forget what others have done to me. Why can't I forgive myself? I struggle with this and am still struggling.
I have had a pretty good couple of weeks, buckling down and focusing on school work, and work. The semester is in full swing now and there is plenty to do. I have been busy for weeks now already. I am finding time to do everything that needs done, which makes me happy.
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