6/25 - Work and driving

Feeling overwhelmed again. So many things have happened in the last couple days, and with an onset of anxiety and anger/cynicism today I felt like I completely lost control of my mind and my direction. When I woke up this morning I knew I really didn't feel up for today, I felt it was going to be a painfully boring work and homework day, and I tried to give myself some things to look forward to. It didn't entirely work and I soon started to feel anxious about work again - a pattern is forming where the anticipation of work is stressing me out much more than work itself - when I get there, I fall into an easy mindset of keeping my hands busy and doing the tasks I was told to do. The things that normally get to me no longer get to me. It's a nice mindset to be in; useful, normal, confident, accomplished, but it's not sustainable for me on a daily basis. I want to feel like that all the time, but I can't yet. 

Then when I was finishing making another tiramisu my dad made some unsupportive comments about his displeasure at having to send me to work and it send my mind spiralling into a bout of angry cynicism- it's like my inner military man, or conservative grandparent. Yells at me to toughen up but comes from a defensive place, forces me to relive angry and unfair events from the past, makes me believe I'm doing better and "tougher" when in reality I feel paralyzed and hopeless because of those feelings. So I'm just... yeah. I have about an hour until work and I already feel tired and mentally worn out from the day's mental health shenanigans.

I feel bad for subjecting my friend to it too. The military man. I find my relationship with her drawn increasingly into question, as all of my relationships are after a certain level of closeness. I have to be more careful about what I'm comfortable saying and what is because of a desperate craving for companionship, validation, or direction.

6 pm update: I was going to be a little late for work so I ended up making a lot of mistakes while driving there, which scared my dad and me. I can tell he lost faith in my driving yet again. I don't know what I'll do if I can't pass my driving test on the 6th. I might have to negotiate new scheduling with my manager. 

Work has been okay. I'm on lunch break right now and I don't feel all that tired. I feel like I'm in a comfortable and sustainable place with work. I had a consultation with a therapist earlier today, excited to see how this goes. I have to negotiate copay with my parents, I'll probably suggest that I pay half of it and they pay the other half. I have the money to do this now. 

I'm not excited to go home and face the backlash for my stressed-out shenanigans earlier today with driving. My mom usually discounts what my dad says so it's probably fine, but I still don't feel good about it. After all, if I get stressed during the driving test then...

10 pm update: 

I'm feeling pretty good. I had a good day at work, took my break, took my meals, and I closed with the other girls. They liked to gossip but I was a bit more quiet, which I joked about a bit, but I'm finding myself much more comfortable talking to people. Even if I'm quiet compared to them, I think I've come a long way. I stopped hesitating before asking people if they needed help today. And a lot of people asked me questions, but I stopped feeling nervous about it. I just put on a kind voice and tried my best to find a solution with them. They were all quite nice, which helped. 

The drive home was nice too.It's so much nicer driving with my mom than my dad. I feel calm with her, she reminds me of the right things, even when she scolds me I can tell it comes from a good place. She reassures me that I'm doing so much better and I should do well on the test. I'm feeling tired but okay. Gonna do a few things then go to bed. My homework is gonna be late today because of my faffing around earlier in the day but I'm okay with that.