Words written-from a hospital bed
Staring at the white emptiness of this page my words suddenly feel inadequate. My words are simply not strong enough to convey the despair and brokeness the surrounds us daily. I wish to tell a story, but I do not yet know the ending. I wish to pass on a message, one that I have not yet made peace with myself.
As a child growing up in a conservative baptist church I remember hearing references to a verse saying something along the lines of "you will reap what you sow". I grew up under the illusion that what I received was what I deserved. This God that was painted was a picture much like that of santa clause. If I was good I would get rewarded, and conversely that meant if bad things were happening I must have done something to deserve it.
This is not what God is. Our God is one who provides hope amidst the brokeness. He loves, despite what human nature has made this world to be. He cries with us, and aches for us. He provides a recovery and redemption that is beyond my ability to comprehend.
I wrote down the words above earlier this week as I was laying in a hospital bed. The event that put me there is not one that I am ready to face yet. I'm not sure where such a powerful message came from considering the condition that I was in at the time. I think maybe God was giving me a pep talk through my pen and paper. I am a quite girl and I tend to take the weight of the world on my shoulders. I blame myself for things constantly. I believe God was just trying to tell me "not this time... it was not your fault". Who knows, maybe trying to paraphrase God is a dangerous thing.
I have been exposed to a fear that I never could have imagined before this week. My mind has been spinning a lot since. I just can't make sense of things. The big question of "Why?". The overwhelming feeling of anxiety... I've been doing all I can to keep it pushed just below the surface, to not act irrational. How should one act after this happens anyway? I'm not sure yet how to handle it. I still remain in disbelief. So I'm ending this writing with the cliche phrase: "I never thought it would happen to me."
-Hannah
As a child growing up in a conservative baptist church I remember hearing references to a verse saying something along the lines of "you will reap what you sow". I grew up under the illusion that what I received was what I deserved. This God that was painted was a picture much like that of santa clause. If I was good I would get rewarded, and conversely that meant if bad things were happening I must have done something to deserve it.
This is not what God is. Our God is one who provides hope amidst the brokeness. He loves, despite what human nature has made this world to be. He cries with us, and aches for us. He provides a recovery and redemption that is beyond my ability to comprehend.
I wrote down the words above earlier this week as I was laying in a hospital bed. The event that put me there is not one that I am ready to face yet. I'm not sure where such a powerful message came from considering the condition that I was in at the time. I think maybe God was giving me a pep talk through my pen and paper. I am a quite girl and I tend to take the weight of the world on my shoulders. I blame myself for things constantly. I believe God was just trying to tell me "not this time... it was not your fault". Who knows, maybe trying to paraphrase God is a dangerous thing.
I have been exposed to a fear that I never could have imagined before this week. My mind has been spinning a lot since. I just can't make sense of things. The big question of "Why?". The overwhelming feeling of anxiety... I've been doing all I can to keep it pushed just below the surface, to not act irrational. How should one act after this happens anyway? I'm not sure yet how to handle it. I still remain in disbelief. So I'm ending this writing with the cliche phrase: "I never thought it would happen to me."
-Hannah
Replies
Hannah...I don\'t know what happened, but I can say that nobody deserves pain and fear. Unfortunately it will still happen - to both good and bad alike. The difference I guess is that for good people like you, you have people like the folks here at DS who will be praying for your health and well-being. If there\'s anything I can do, please ask. Meanwhile I am sending hugs and warm thoughts your way. Lisa
You: \"I\'ve been doing all I can to keep it pushed just below the surface, to not act irrational.\" Hannah my dear! I no longer call myself a \"victim\" but I am a person who went thru horrific child abuse, sexual abuse, and a lot of other BS...I have grown leaps and bounds since I have begun to \"open up\" and stopped \"keeping it pushed under the surface!\" I did this for years as I felt all the above was my fault and thought opening up was a sign of weakness....well, my dear, it\'s NOT! God is with you every step of the way and I think is trying to show you what you must do even from your hospital bed. I\'ll leave you with this: When broken bones heal they are stronger than they were before the break...When we begin to heal, we too become stronger...Pay attention to what you are hearing and feeling...whatever it is, is NOT YOUR FAULT! I\'m sure you have heard the saying, \"were as sick as our secrets!\" I really do believe, for me, that my RA came about by holding in all the darkness/pain/denial/hatred/rage/anger, etc....Something had to give....Being laid flat with RA, finally made me realize I must begin my work and that was sharing with others all I had been thru. Now, I am a speaker and can hopefully give others HOPE...I am here to listen anytime Hannah! In the meantime, I will see you surrounded in God\'s Loving Light! Hugs, Vicki