Wonderful Morning

What a unique morning! I awoke near seven thirty, but stayed in bed until 12:30 afternoon. Why? Not becaused I was depressed, not because of the pills. No. Because I wanted to. Unlike a lot of mornings, I was not stressed or worried. Maybe it had something to do with yesterday's journal contents. I donno. But I felt pleasant. We were (I was) expecting rain today, after 18 months without any, and a cold front to come in droping temperatures from the 80's to the forties. Sure enough, it started getting colder around 8:00. I got up to let the chickens out of the chicken houses, got a chill, and crawled back under the covers. I do not have ANY pressing issues or duties to do today. No where to be at a certain time, no one else to please, but me. The temperature continued to fall, and the rains began. I could here it on the tin roof. All the birds (including the chickens) got quiet. It was wonderful! No phone calls. What made it strange for me, out of habit I began to consider feeling guilty. Then I stopped myself. I refused to feel guilty. It felt good to take care of me. I cuddled up under the covers, pulled them up under my chin, and just thought. I was alone with my thoughts and feelings. Yeah, the cat did scratch at the window screen and I had to let him in from the cold, but that's it. The sky was overcast, so I could not tell the time without looking at the clock (which I did several times), but I couldn't get over the warm feeings I had for myself, curled up to a pillow, in a mock fetus style. It was the most luxurious feeling I've had in ages...ever. Just laying there warm and cuddly, without guilt or stressful thoughts. I finally agreed that it was something I needed, and could afford to do for myself. I was committed to stay in bed until I'd had enough; until I was satisfied, until I got tired of doing it; pampering my self (if a guy can use that word; I think I can amongst friends).  I got a lot of thinking and feeling done. I was amazed at how much time went by so quickly. I was thinking about my progress mentally and emotionally, and forced myself to revisit areas that my mind would avoid by changing the topic. In other words, when I tried to discover some of the things that were bothering me, emotionally, I would change how I was laying, in an attempt to feel more comfortable. I realized that if the thought was uncomfortable enough to get me to move, then it must be hiding some feeling that needs to be dealt with. Shifting my bady and mind off of it was a sign of avoidance. So I re-calmed myself, and started down the same line of thought again. My thoughts went back to yesterday. The two points to work on: control my moods (which I seemed to have done this morning) and to respect myself, not to look outside for indications of the need or right to respect myself. The next line of thinking was the Big One, the one that has dogged me all my life: work, vocation, career, industry, doings. How am I going to make money. I had to go through all the feelings, or at least feel what I was feeling when i think about the subject. It's very difficult. It's been a blind spot. I was trying to connect the effects of shyness, co-dependency, and introversion in regard to my 'work', what to do for a living. (Yeah, I know, this is a rehash of old news; but I'm making some progress.) What i do now is what I have to do. It's at a survival level. I have no choice. it's something I can do, and do well; I just don't enjoy doing it anymore. I find it painful. It's like I'm a victim; and I am, a self-made one. It's not about the 'enjoying, and fun part - at all. It's about not having my heart in it. I miss having something that I can through myself into, use my talents, have them appreciated, and be well-compensated for my contributions. I don't have that kind of work in mind yet, I haven't allowed myself to think that way, or feel that way. Mostly what I get is "Quit dreaming", "That's a fantasy", "Those jobs don't exist", "Why can't you just suffer like everyone else?". I don't like those answers, I don't believe them. What I think is that my shyness, introversion, and co-dependency have collaborated with me so that all I've done is sheepishly done everything I was asked to do to help others get what they wanted or demanded, by sacrificing myself without asking for what I wanted or demanded. I'm tired of that way of living; it hasn't worked out for me. As a co-dependent, I wasn't aware I had a choice. I had to take what was given, do whatever needed to be done, figure it out. Now I'm beginning to feel differently. I'm old. 64. I've done my pennance, I've paid my dues. It's time to collect. I've tried to do everything for everyone everytime in order to prove I was acceptable, and that I didn't need anything in return for myself. It gets old, I'm tired, I'm letting go of that way of living life.  One thing I am willing to admit to myself is that I like dealing with ideas, concepts. I know I like psychology, I write enough about it; I study it, and I'm in school learning more about it. How it's all going to work out I don't know yet, I just know it will. I know I need to spend some more time listening to how I feel about what I'd really like to do, instead of asking everyone else what I should be doing. I figured if I didn't know, someone else did. It's the Rumplestilskin Effect: someone will tell me who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not going down that trail again. I need to search my heart for my passion, and go do that. I need to claim who I am and what i like to do best, and forget about working on the areas that I'm failing at doing and being. I need to be willing to stop trying to be everything to everyone. I need to stop thinking it's necessary to please everyone, that I can say "No, I don't and won't do that, you'll have to get someone else to help you out of your dilemma", and let it go as a guilt feeling for failing to be able to help.  Anyway, that's enough for now. I didn't get a definite resolution yet, but I am progressing by asking God the right questions, and getting the right answers back. It felt good taking care of myself today. I think I made some progress, and that's what counts. Rich