woke up with paranoia
I woke up with fear this morning that I am not doing enough.
Not making enough money - not putting enough effort into supporting myself.
Writing it out helps me see the realities of things. I work hard at the market,
I also save scrupulously and don't spend beyond my means.
I think I freaked out this morning because I have very little left in my bank
account until pay day next Thursday and so I'll probably eat mostly beans
until then ...lol It's funny but not so funny - ah well. I can do it.
Replies
I know I have to be self responsible here.... and so that's giving me a sense of composure
again.
it's so crazy how I can get so myopic about my fears and feelings - and I can really believe
them - and then when I reach out to others I realize how incorrect my feelings are.
I feel badly about that - but I sincerely have to fight this.
Beans. Mmmmm. Pretend you’re a hobo! That’s how I get by.
Happy Friday! :)
thanks Nikki!
Paranoia is one of my meaner psycho ticks. When my paranoia rears its ugly head, I can't hear beyond its relentless drilling. One of my preferred visualizations for its presence in my day is a stalking jack hammer. It is unreasonable to expect clear thought myself with all that racket! ! !
Sigh. . . Does I really have to be human? Can't I just hide under the bed with Blue?
thanks Arfie. It really is a terrible destructive thing. It's definitely like a stalking jack hammer and it colors all that I see
for the time being. I realize though - it makes me question and adjust my perspective big time.. i start to self hate -
i start to reject all that's good in my life that just before the paranoia i was starting to appreciate -
just now though i came on ds.org because i need the contact with others - maybe I'll take solace in that.
hopefully my sense of pride will return - and I'll keep on keeping on - keep moving forward my Dad says -
and I like that!!! right on!
The more I practice radical acceptance, the easier it gets to be gentle with myself when that blasted jackhammer starts jackhammering. No need to interpret nor understand what it's hammering about this time around. **Just** factor it in to the inventory while I keep on doing the best I can with what's left to work with.
I keep my pride at a safe social distance from the jackhammer.
thanks arfie.
I think when I was going through my diagnosis early on and dealing with extreme paranoia and delusions, etc, that I was quickly hushed and told it was all illness that meds will push away, and never allowed the space to deal with it.
Years later, when I started more therapy, I was able to discuss certain things in more detail and I feel that paranoia is something that when it gets trapped inside of us. It only continues to escalate within and get bigger if we can’t push it away. I had bouts of agoraphobia in the past too as a result. So, unraveling paranoia is important in my own experiences. In a safe place of course.
There is a lot to BE paranoia and suspicious about in our modern world. I think it impacts more people than we collectively realize. The way it affects behaviors in conflicts in workplaces, in business, in different industries. It’s not healthy, any of it.
Guess what I’m trying to say is you shouldn’t feel so alone with it or beat yourself up over the illness aspect of it. Continue to chip away and work THROUGH it. It’s worth liberating one’s mind from fear and existential doom.
thank you very much Nikki!! I just vented with my therapist about my paranoia - I realize we all have a sage/litany of things
that might bother us and make us feel paranoid - but what I think is important is that I put myself back into a pragmatic
frame of mind so I can get work done - and take care of myself and my life... I am not denigrating my fears - I am just giving them the rational light I know will help put them away and so live a happier more realistic day.