Wits end...

I sit here today, trembling uncontrollably. I have been since I woke up, and will do until I fall asleep tonight. Am I scared? No. This is not an uncommon occurance for me. I am trembling because the muscles holding my bones together are simply past their limits. They are not meant for this purpose, and yet they've had to do so every day for my whole life, and some days, they give up. They are spasming just to try and hold my head on top of my body. I have done nothing to deserve this, I did nothing yesterday aside from watch tv and play games, and yet my body is reacting as if I've been working out beyond my limits all day, every day.

I have been considering my future lately, and have been pushed into a depression by doing so. I've recently had appointments with the mental health clinic, bringing up this topic yet again. To me, I don't see a way to live in the future. Survive, sure, but not live. No matter how much research I do, there is no help for me and my condition. Drugs may help, but will cause major issues over time. Physiotherapy may help, but given that most physiotherapists (or any medical professional for that matter) don't even know about my condition, they don't know how to treat it properly, and may wind up causing permanent damage to my body. This essentially leaves me in my current condition, or worse. In this condition, I cannot hold a job, therefore I cannot have an income, independence, and cannot achieve any of the goals I once had, and have since given up on. I cannot purchase a house, I cannot pursue a career, I can barely stand long enough to cook 3 minute noodles. How can living this way lead to a fulfulling life? A life worth living?

At the mental health clinic, they keep pressuring me to accept my limits and accept this way of life as my future, yet I don't see this as a way of life at all. I am being told to accept that I can no longer even care for my own well-being. I cannot accept that. I can force myself to do almost anything, although I suffer the consequences later, so I am being told that I must accept that I can't do these things. How can I accept that I can't do something if I am fully capable of doing it? And how can that become an acceptable way of life?

The cherry on top is that my doctor still refuses to put me off work, which would qualify me for some money from the government. She has to put me off work for a minimum of 6 months for me to qualify, and still seems to believe there is a chance I will be all better before then, and will be able to go back to work. I have not worked since January 2015, and I originally asked her to medically disqualify me from work in June... 7 months ago. I am not better at all yet, and will not be in a condition to work in the next 6 months or perhaps ever. Due to this, I have $0 for income. Which means I have no way to pay for medications that might help. Is anyone else seeing this endless loop of idiocy?

My only hope comes in January, when I get to see a specialist again. This is the first medical professional I've ever met who's even heard of EDS and JHS, so I am hoping that she will understand that I can't work, and will fill out the paperwork to say so. It's sad when that is my only hope for the future. If she is unable or unwilling to do this, I feel like my only option will be to get a part-time job and simply suffer through again.