Without Purpose

My mood of late has been frighteningly bad.  There is a new sense of disparity and lack of optimism about my future ever improving that is now present that has not been present in the past. Part of the key, I think, is that nothing really brings me joy anymore.  The prospect of a vacation does not thrill me because if I bring my wife she will be black and demanding, and if I only bring myself I will be lonely.  Joy tastes much better when shared. When I was young and smart I knew that my intelligence would eventually get me somewhere.  Now I am older and smart and I don't feel that my intelligence is of much use at all, other allowing me to see potentials that I will never reach.  I am ready for another mid-life crisis, but what is the point without money and without the moral lack of behaving like a scumbag toward my wife?   A mid life crises is defined by stupid decisions, and all the best stupid options are closed to me.  My mid-life crisis therefore is not going to be any fun. The collapse of the world economy is doing little to improve my mood, and I suspect that a great deal of depression will be created by it across all the peoples of all the lands. I am loved and appreciated here.  This I know, and this I hold on to.  I am more or less ignoring the requests by my doctors to drop the site.  They can bite me.  I have nothing else that reinforces me positively.  I'm not giving the one thing that does away. My marriage is, quite frankly, crumbling.  We will stay together, but we get no pleasure from each other's company anymore.  I get a sense of disgust from my wife much of the time.  She has lost whatever respect she has had for me.  I, too, am losing self respect.  My slothfulness has reached epic proportions.  A job well done or a job poorly done or a job undone...all bring me the same amount of satisfaction. Someone pointed out that I was doing much better when I flirted a bit.  I can't argue this.  Flirting gave me a sense of masculinity, whatever that is.  With that stopped, I feel emasculated.  My wife ignores advances and has expressed disdain at my attempts to cuddle her at night.  I am true to my wife, but what this "truth" brings me I don't know.  Certainly not accolades from her. I thought that this post would be a bit more upbeat.  Seems not to be the case.  Sorry about that, people.  Upbeat is hard to find at the moment.