Withdrawal at 7:00 A.M.

I actually wish for the days where I simply had a hangover. The physical withdrawals are just unbearable. I've run out of Dilaudid and Xanax, so I've increased my drinking again. I can take an opiate withdrawal any day, but the alcohol is really killing me. It killed 3 of my Family members, and I fear I'm next. I'm running out of money again, so I'm afraid I'll have to start withdrawing for good, very soon. I'm finishing up the last bottle of vodka. I've already promised myself that if I don't land an important audition coming up, I'll at least be heading to a medical detox. It's becoming unbearable again. A part of me wants to keep going. Why stop now? I've been doing this on-and-off for 10 years now. Nothing works. Most have deemed me a "lost cause." But the other part wants to keep fighting, and see if my career will become even more successful. I'm grateful for the people here welcoming me and supporting me. I don't even receive that from my own family.