Wishing I Could Turn My Brain Off
It's almost three in the morning, and I'm still awake. Not really wide awake, more like that awake where you want soooo bad to sleep but everytime you reach the cusp of the abyss you are yanked back by some unknown force. I have to be up with Marlow in about six hours, if I'm lucky, if I'm not it will be four hours. And I have to work in nine hours. But I just can't fall asleep!
My brain just won't turn off. I have always had a problem with falling asleep. It usually takes me anywhere from two to three hours to fall asleep once laying down. I tried sleeping pills once upon a long time ago, but I noticed I was starting to NEED them to fall asleep, so I quit. Then when I got pregnant and had Marlow I refused to try again because I need to be able to wake up in half a second for her. But in the past few weeks I had it down to just over an hour before I fell asleep. That was amazing for me....I have never fallen asleep that fast in my life. But tonight I am back to the non-sleeping Jolene.
I can't stop thinking. About what? This and that, mostly about my relationship, but that's been beaten to death in my journals and I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing about it. I'm also thinking about how my 14 year old neice came to me crying to tell me she had lost her virginity and the condom broke....over a week and a half ago. So now we have to play the waiting game...and hope that she isn't pregnant. And how my 16 year old neice just let some guy with a tattoo gun give her a tattoo in his basement! Or about how I feel so beaten up and dragged down lately that I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning, and apparently impossible to go to sleep at night!
If I fall into this pattern again I'll be back to three hours of sleep a night. But now napping while Marlow naps will no longer be an option, since I'll be at work. Not that napping while she did was that sucessful. I don't know if I can physically handle that. I'm scared I may just break down.
Today my day was fairly lax, and I still feel stressed out! I got up with Mar, fed her breakfast, we played, I did a load of laundry, the dishes, swept and mopped the kitchen and dining room, then tidied the washroom. Then I fed her lunch. Then woke up Joey. Got ready for work, went to work. It was only a three hour shift, done at 5...Joey didn't show up to get me until 5:40pm, sadly, that's normal. Went to his sisters for supper, so I didn't have to cook. Fed Marlow, ate a little, left there, got home, played a bit more, got her in PJ's, brushed her teeth. Got her to bed, made popcorn, watched a movie, then layed in bed for three hours before deciding it wasn't happening.
A really slow day for me. But I can't help but to lay in bed and go over everything in my life I wish was different. And that's alot of things!! I feel like a big, fat failure. Like I would be in a better relationship if I wasn't such a loser. I'd be more successful if I wasn't such a loser. I'd be a better mom if I wasn't such a loser.
Maybe I'm depressed? I don't even know anymore, I'm just a mess...that's what it is. And an insomniac mess to boot. Yay.
My brain just won't turn off. I have always had a problem with falling asleep. It usually takes me anywhere from two to three hours to fall asleep once laying down. I tried sleeping pills once upon a long time ago, but I noticed I was starting to NEED them to fall asleep, so I quit. Then when I got pregnant and had Marlow I refused to try again because I need to be able to wake up in half a second for her. But in the past few weeks I had it down to just over an hour before I fell asleep. That was amazing for me....I have never fallen asleep that fast in my life. But tonight I am back to the non-sleeping Jolene.
I can't stop thinking. About what? This and that, mostly about my relationship, but that's been beaten to death in my journals and I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing about it. I'm also thinking about how my 14 year old neice came to me crying to tell me she had lost her virginity and the condom broke....over a week and a half ago. So now we have to play the waiting game...and hope that she isn't pregnant. And how my 16 year old neice just let some guy with a tattoo gun give her a tattoo in his basement! Or about how I feel so beaten up and dragged down lately that I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning, and apparently impossible to go to sleep at night!
If I fall into this pattern again I'll be back to three hours of sleep a night. But now napping while Marlow naps will no longer be an option, since I'll be at work. Not that napping while she did was that sucessful. I don't know if I can physically handle that. I'm scared I may just break down.
Today my day was fairly lax, and I still feel stressed out! I got up with Mar, fed her breakfast, we played, I did a load of laundry, the dishes, swept and mopped the kitchen and dining room, then tidied the washroom. Then I fed her lunch. Then woke up Joey. Got ready for work, went to work. It was only a three hour shift, done at 5...Joey didn't show up to get me until 5:40pm, sadly, that's normal. Went to his sisters for supper, so I didn't have to cook. Fed Marlow, ate a little, left there, got home, played a bit more, got her in PJ's, brushed her teeth. Got her to bed, made popcorn, watched a movie, then layed in bed for three hours before deciding it wasn't happening.
A really slow day for me. But I can't help but to lay in bed and go over everything in my life I wish was different. And that's alot of things!! I feel like a big, fat failure. Like I would be in a better relationship if I wasn't such a loser. I'd be more successful if I wasn't such a loser. I'd be a better mom if I wasn't such a loser.
Maybe I'm depressed? I don't even know anymore, I'm just a mess...that's what it is. And an insomniac mess to boot. Yay.
Replies
Your not a mess, just worn out. When you go to sleep have you tried listening to one of those sound machines? The sound of the ocean or rain does it for me.
sleep would be so helpful for you right now.....i wish i had a magic wand. i\'ve been there--truly. i wish lots & lots of sweet dreams for you.