Wish I left sooner

No comment or response necessary, just getting things off my chest:

2 years was the duration of the relationship I had with my ex.  And I have now carried his grief for 14 years.  The grief has come and gone over time, or it seeped up in weird places, but if I had known the damage he'd done would I have left him sooner?

The first time I said I was moving out he played a wounded bird "Oh my god you're going to seperate the cats!!"  Pretty ridiculous I know.  But an abuser will hold any gain over you. I said he could keep the cats so they wouldn't be sperated.  

I guess I had the illusion we were still going to work as a couple, so I let him hold custody of teh cats and even tag along when I viewed apartments.  "You wouldn't like living here..."  he kept saying at different open houses.  So I continued living with him, thinking it be easier especially since we were still dating.

I tried to simply improve myself, eat healthier, lose weight, excersise.  He made fresh baked cookies from scratch.  The apartment danced with the smell of them.

Other tactics, he rolled on top of me and even if I said I was tired, would continue to pressure me into sex.  It was easier to give in and get to sleep then argue and have drama. 

Clearly, I belonged to him.  He did what he pleased.  And I thought "I'm so lucky to have him."  Gradually I became so depressed I didn't know what direction my life was going. When my depression became severe, he reminded me how lucky I was, "Any other man would have left you at the hospital, but not me..." 

Grieving over the loss of a child, that I desperately wished to keep and he made so clear he wanted nothing to do with, unsure what I was doing in my life was right, I was at such a low point I had no idea which way was up.  

But amazingly I stayed focused on school. I barely finished that one and final class I needed to earn my IGETSI. I barely got my application in, although I kicked ass in the personal essay.  I made it, I was accepted to my dream school (on the day of his birthday...I still have the acceptance letter from UC with the date, 4/29/2003, Welcome to CAL!). I was allowed the resouces to move out and start my own new life.

But even years later after learning hard lessons about red flags and what exactly the kind of partner I needed to thrive in my life, my ex's horror continued to plauge me.  And get this; he never hit me.  

He never hit me. In fact the worse thing he could have done was not lay a hand on me.  I was taught to never stay with a man who lifted a finger against you.  I would have left so fast if he simply smacked or pinched me.  But his abuse was sutble and degrading that continued much longer then any bruise.  

Through many life events, his insults taunted me. When I graduated during the recession,  "You'll never make it." (his final words before I moved out).  When my family celebrated the birth of my nephew, I revisited his yelling "You can have the baby but you can't have it here!" (Meaning I would have to choose being a mom or being homeless since he did not support his own child.) Instead of enjoying a new baby in the family, I was hung up on his trauma. 

My grief lessened with the birth of my son and blessed marriage to my husband (a man who is gentle and supportive, emotionally mature)
but my ex showed up in the small town we moved to to raise our son. And the grief came back.

And get this; round two in my new life my ex re entered, I never saw my him.  I just knew he was there, in my town and on my street.  It seemed I had finally left behind the grief he inflicted and here he was appearing in the faces of my neighbors doubting me, whispers when I walked into a building, friends dropping me on facebook.  So we left our beloved community and moved.

 
For two years, when I was 23, I made the mistake of giving my heart and trust to...a boy really.  I realized at age 36, packing my family's things, I'm still dealing with this boy's grief. I can still hear his words and yelling.  

I disected the relationship into a timeline. How bad did bad get? My memory at that time was a blur.  When exactly did he hint I was insuperior? On our first date? Our first apartment?  The first 6 months?  At the end? When did he get me pregnant?  After I threatened to leave the first time?  I can't remember.

The longer I stayed the more detail he put into manipulating me.  Could I have erased most of the damage by simply catching his game on our first date? Or after I realized I was unhappy a few months later.  Instead of justifying why I should be happy and didn't deserve him, and if instead I simply left to find my own happiness, could I have undone the years of grief sooner?

Or was the warning as soon as the first dates, his stupid teeshirt, the one with the Island girl holding fruit up to her chest reading "Nice Papayas" Wasn't it obvious sexist?  Or at least a sign of a man (or boy) who would not respect my body or being?  

Could I have erassed the damage by simply saying "fine, f-- you, I AM taking the cats" who were an obivous replacement for the baby I lost? Could I have erassed the damage by avoiding the last few weeks when he loudly accussed me of being rude when I innocently cleared my throat waiting in a long line at the store (I was simply clearing my throat, but had no idea why I did so after he was done with me...I actually questioned if I was being intentionally rude.) If I stood up for myself,  (No dick, I just coughed, deal with it) would that have ended another few weeks of unnecessary grief?

If I could just go back and tell myself "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE move to that dumpy co-op, write some short stories and start all over.  You'll be fine.  Just please don't let him cost you another therapy session 14 years later!

If I could warn myself, "The longer you stay, the less health and energy you have to give to the people in your life who deserve it" would I have listened?  

Was this hard lessen of self respect and earning my peace really necessary?  And when, oh when can I please stop looking over my shoulder to see if he's just behind me with his tornado of vengance.  The rage and anger he screamed back then haunts me to this day...His wife and 2 daughters just happened to be friends with my neighbor in my small town.  That's all it took.  Me from his past threatening to undo whatever life he had now by reavling his true reputation and nature.  He will never forgive me.  I must be punished.

Carrying my second (or technically my 3rd) child, in my new life, my second home with my loving family, I have so much to look forward too. And yet last night I had a nightmare arguing with Rob.  I was so happy the event of our first prenatal appointment, and yet I ended the day defending myself.  

I just wish I simply left before it all got so much worse.