wish i could explain better......i'm not dead, just different.
morning.
i've been gloomy, cranky, crochety ........it's a pain thing, it's a not resting worth a flip thing. sometimes i can be outwardly cheerful, but on the inside .......sometimes the inside is a harder place to reach.
the inside wants to hold onto old wounds even as it carries fresh wounds.........woke up feeling like a dark cloud dragging on the ground.......i thought i'd turn my eyes back to Hurricane Katrina.
rewatched a story through the eyes of Ms. Carolyn Parker. from the lower 9th ward district of New Orleans. she has grit. she has stamina, she found the spirit of can where many only saw can't.
she stood her ground and she asked hard honest questions. she was direct, she was prayerful and she didn't flinch.........she stated her piece........on behalf of her 59 years.........about her home, her neighbors, her community, her church........the need to rebuild, restore and resurrect.
she focused on getting back in and staying back in her small shotgun home........when she & her husband first saw it years earlier, he said why you want that? it's ugly.........but not to Carolyn.........she said it's a fine place, just needs love is all.........
words written from the comfort of home........home, what a precious place home is.......i once again see the devastation of the hurricane. .......think of my small struggles. things i mention here often. things that are a part of life.
which leads me to kitty litter.
last night i shoulda, but i didn't. i sprayed febreze in the cat box region and padded off to bed. i was hurtin' and i thought ......... in the morning.
mornin came, i was still hurtin'........about 24 minutes from the end of the program about Ms. Parker of New Orleans, I told the kitties it was time..........to get with it.
First ya gotta bend all the way down to pop the top & remove the lid. as i remove the bag I hold my breath. Take it to the garage. Clean the container & the tray & take out the regular trash. At this point there is entirely too much bending & lifting going on. The muscles are shouting louder and louder...........makes me think of the dog next door when his barker gets going..........my muscles are BARKING and won't STOP!
Look we all know ain't nobody liking this chore.........the kitties hide while this is happening. it has to be done. so after all the bending, after the litter box has been cleaned, re-opened to the kitties........fresh food and water set out.........i have just used up the majority of the days spoons.
once the spoons are gone, they're gone. (google the spoon theory if you're not familiar........xoxo) if you don't have time to look into the spoon theory, very simply it means for every movement, step, bend, reach......energy is used. energy is in very short supply for chronically ill sparrows.
if you get 24 spoons for the day and you use 18 changing kitty litter, feeding the cats, then you only have six left to shower, feed yourself and ..........well the bottom line is on this day you don't have enough spoons cause you gotta walk to the shower, undress, get towels, turn the shower on, get in the shower..........at this point your spoons are gone, it's 9 am and you haven't fixed a meal or managed to wash your hair.
you can sit in the shower and pray for help to finish................or not take the shower today........so you can eat.........or ? it's all about decisions, pacing, prayer and rest.
got the ice packs on.........gonna wait a while and see if i can push through and take that shower. heated water =help.
gotta keep chores in context with life struggles not just my own........with world life struggles.
i feel humbled, blessed to do this thing because of the joy, the companionship, the love and antics of these two sweet kitties. ..... if only i could get them to give me a massage....................
see you next time, let your light shine.......................today is a grand day to pray for others........ thank you for the prayers you've lifted up to God for me, they help..........me do my day, to try to keep my head on straight..............to keep perspective front and center.
i've been gloomy, cranky, crochety ........it's a pain thing, it's a not resting worth a flip thing. sometimes i can be outwardly cheerful, but on the inside .......sometimes the inside is a harder place to reach.
the inside wants to hold onto old wounds even as it carries fresh wounds.........woke up feeling like a dark cloud dragging on the ground.......i thought i'd turn my eyes back to Hurricane Katrina.
rewatched a story through the eyes of Ms. Carolyn Parker. from the lower 9th ward district of New Orleans. she has grit. she has stamina, she found the spirit of can where many only saw can't.
she stood her ground and she asked hard honest questions. she was direct, she was prayerful and she didn't flinch.........she stated her piece........on behalf of her 59 years.........about her home, her neighbors, her community, her church........the need to rebuild, restore and resurrect.
she focused on getting back in and staying back in her small shotgun home........when she & her husband first saw it years earlier, he said why you want that? it's ugly.........but not to Carolyn.........she said it's a fine place, just needs love is all.........
words written from the comfort of home........home, what a precious place home is.......i once again see the devastation of the hurricane. .......think of my small struggles. things i mention here often. things that are a part of life.
which leads me to kitty litter.
last night i shoulda, but i didn't. i sprayed febreze in the cat box region and padded off to bed. i was hurtin' and i thought ......... in the morning.
mornin came, i was still hurtin'........about 24 minutes from the end of the program about Ms. Parker of New Orleans, I told the kitties it was time..........to get with it.
First ya gotta bend all the way down to pop the top & remove the lid. as i remove the bag I hold my breath. Take it to the garage. Clean the container & the tray & take out the regular trash. At this point there is entirely too much bending & lifting going on. The muscles are shouting louder and louder...........makes me think of the dog next door when his barker gets going..........my muscles are BARKING and won't STOP!
Look we all know ain't nobody liking this chore.........the kitties hide while this is happening. it has to be done. so after all the bending, after the litter box has been cleaned, re-opened to the kitties........fresh food and water set out.........i have just used up the majority of the days spoons.
once the spoons are gone, they're gone. (google the spoon theory if you're not familiar........xoxo) if you don't have time to look into the spoon theory, very simply it means for every movement, step, bend, reach......energy is used. energy is in very short supply for chronically ill sparrows.
if you get 24 spoons for the day and you use 18 changing kitty litter, feeding the cats, then you only have six left to shower, feed yourself and ..........well the bottom line is on this day you don't have enough spoons cause you gotta walk to the shower, undress, get towels, turn the shower on, get in the shower..........at this point your spoons are gone, it's 9 am and you haven't fixed a meal or managed to wash your hair.
you can sit in the shower and pray for help to finish................or not take the shower today........so you can eat.........or ? it's all about decisions, pacing, prayer and rest.
got the ice packs on.........gonna wait a while and see if i can push through and take that shower. heated water =help.
gotta keep chores in context with life struggles not just my own........with world life struggles.
i feel humbled, blessed to do this thing because of the joy, the companionship, the love and antics of these two sweet kitties. ..... if only i could get them to give me a massage....................
see you next time, let your light shine.......................today is a grand day to pray for others........ thank you for the prayers you've lifted up to God for me, they help..........me do my day, to try to keep my head on straight..............to keep perspective front and center.
Replies
Hope your pain lessens.
Oh my. Sparrow, dear, use your spoons wisely, and I would lend mine if I had them to spare. Hopefully the pain will lessen, and rest well:-)
Is there any free home care where u are? You need help! I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs marlene
oh dear, no ........i\'ve been managing for years. i can do things, it\'s just on a very different, much slower time table than the rest of the world. some days i can do more, some days less. after posting the journal i went to bed, slept until 1:15.....and have now managed a shower. i feel calm and happy to be clean & shiny!
a healthy person wouldn\'t need a nap from 9 am til 1:15 after a few chores, but that is normal for me. because it is raining, i slept better than usual.......and feel almost downright relaxed.
my home is neat & tidy, i have food in the frig & pantry. I live really slowly - sometimes the pain or other challenges are gonna mean super slow mo...........it\'s different than how others live. but not unlike others who have multiple syndromes/diseases/conditions like i do.
i have cfs/me + fibromyalgia + aks + osteo + sjogrens syndrome + thyroid disease + reflux + more...........but i want to assure you that i use tools, have my home set up in care of the way i live........and have a lot that helps me through my day.
God, faith, friends.........lovely pets, family......beautiful views of the woods, concerts by the birds.......antics by squirrels and other small creatures........i have much to be thankful for.
being disabled isn\'t just a one way street.........its just a lot slower on my street......offroad, in the country .......at the edge of the north woods. love, sparrow
not having things when you want as you want is normal for living........this lifestyle is different.......it is.........but with perspective it\'s allows for independent living.
I like to compare having multiple health challenges as living at a walk when everyone else is driving a car. I get there. Eventually. I just don\'t zoom. I have GERD, epilepsy, FM, PTSD, blah blah blah.... Yeah, well, I get there. I may need to bake cookies by \"mix two ingredients, rest ten minutes\" bu the cookies do get baked!
WHich is how I am copnig wtih my rainy achy afternoon. Will I die of butter and chocolate/ Maybe. But hey, I\'m gonna go someday anyway, and in the meantime, I can watch blue jays and squirrels compete at the wreck they both made of the new feeder, I can watch the last leaves drifting down, and I can still hear music and read words and type.... Lotta blessings here, too. You\'re awesome, Serce!
Hey, Serce, what a good job of explaining the Spoon Theory. Wish all doctors understood this about us & especially the Specialists - they seem to know less about life in general than I do. Oh, they know their specialty but so little else about the rest of life. I\'ll take being dumb like I am.
Another thing that I don\'t think the normal or average person understands is the fact the our highway of life is so different from the one they travel. I know no one knows what lies ahead but we seem to have far more bumps & curves than they do. We sure have to travel at a much different pace that they do.
Did get to see my g\'kids today so that has given me a boost but needed a long nap when I got home as they worn me out for sure today. As soon as I walk in their house my grandson attached himself to his \'papaw\' & rarely lets go until I leave. Love it but he is a wiggle worm. He can wear out a normal in a short period of time - me, I bite the bullet & enjoy the fact that we can spend that time together.
Well said sweet Sparrow. It\'s a slow road we travel, but we finally will get things done. I napped twice yesterday to have enough spoons to go over to my son\'s house for my hubby\'s b-day. It was very nice. My son & dear d-I-L cooked a nice dinner for us. My g/daughter was so happy to see us. She wanted me to stay. She rough housed with Grandpa & had a ball. She drew a b- day card for Grandpa & was so excited to show him. I asked K if she wants to come spend the whole day with us next Sunday. She was so happy! She ran to Mommy & said, can if go over to Grandma\'s house? So Grandpa is going to pick her up next weekend. My son asked me how I was & said, don\'t just say I\'m hanging in there! So I told him how I was feeling on Cymbalta. He said, in time the side effects will wear off. I got so many warm hugs last night...it warmed my heart. It was a nice b- day for hubby with just the 5 of us. Thank you for your prayers Ruthie . It\'s nice to have people in our corner that get what life is like with all these multi illnesses. Sending prayers back at ya. Gentle hugs & love. Xo