Wish
Happy Friday, SOTH's. It has been a long week on this end. Looking forward to the 3 day holiday week-end. Jim went to Arizona for 4 days - I usually go, but just couldn't this time. I am feeling very tired and not wanting to drive the 230 miles and put up with the heat (100++). So he wasn't thrilled but he played Poker last night and won so today he's happy :).
Hunter is doing well - I will see him tomorrow. I think we will go to the LA County Fair and get lost with all the people and distractions. Sunday I'm going to a friend's house for lunch which will be nice - I haven't been sleeping well, waking up with headaches/ neck aches, etc.... on the hunt for a pillow- ?any suggestions. I've tried "my pillow" and didn't like it - wish you could lie down in the store when trying one out. LOL
I'm always struggling these days - I feel more like a fake than I normally do. I'm just tired - tired of hearing conversations between a mother & daughter, tired of walking away when a group conversation gets too much, tired of feeling empty, tired of feeling lost and not knowing who I am anymore, tired of being tired. I smile, but cry inside. I listen to others, but sometimes I want to scream - ASK ME, ASK ME ABOUT JENNIFER - ASK ME , ASK ME!!!! Sometimes people assume that oh, you have a grandson, lucky you - but a grandson doesn't take the place of my daughter and it's not the same.....ASK ME ABOUT JENNIFER....help me to feel a part of life again......SIGH
Life is moving along - gotta go to the bank after work, gotta get watch batteries for work watches, gotta get dog biscuits, gotta go to the post office - yep, yep, life keeps going when sometimes I wish it didn't because you see, my mind is back to that day - that day when I said good-bye to Jennifer - that day when I lost my heart - that day when my life changed forever - that day when my eyes lost their sparkle - THAT F&*%#ING DAY........
Replies
I wish I was there to o with you to the county fair!!! I love them!!! Along with amusement parks. I hven't been to one since I lost Cassi, but I believe I could handle it with a soth mom. I love the rides, I LOVE the food, lol, I just like walking arount people watching, although I haven't been able to tolerate crowds since "that day". The day that you refer to...when life stopped and went on at the same time??? What was Jennifer like??? How old was she??? What kind of music did she like, what were her favorite holidays??? What color were her eyes??? Was she a good baby?? How old was she when she gave up the bottle, walked, was potty trained??? Did she like Barney the Dinosaur or the Power Rangers???
Aww, Gina your response warms my heart - Jennifer was 36 years old (born 8/18) - close to Cassi. She was a rocker @ heart, since she became a Christian, she listened to Christian music but always music with an edge. She was bright, creative but yet battled mental demons - OCD, Anger, struggled with having people close (including me), very strict with Hunter - she believed in rules as long as they made logical sense to her - above all, she loved Jesus. This girl had an unwavering faith and was so excited to see Jesus some day. She collected items to keep and then give away to someone in need. If she saw a couch on the side of the road, she would call one of her friends and let them know...she was like that. Her favorite holiday was Thanksgiving as she was always invited to several homes and would start about 11 and not get home till late in the evening...she really liked that - she shed her earth suit 2 days before Thanksgiving, her favorite time. She had hazel eyes and could look right through you. she knew when people were telling her the truth or lying - she hated liars. Jennifer wasn't one to cry very often but when she did, it was from the heart.....She was the best baby - no colic - so fun and just always wanted her own way - could be stubborn but a survivor, for sure. She was 9 months old when she started drinking from a sippy cup....she had a blanket that was always with her. I would wait until she fell asleep so I could wash, eventually having to cut the blanket making it smaller and smaller as it become so worn. We watched Sesame Street - she watched Power Rangers when Hunter was born. She was a Star Trek fan - watching many hours on DVD. She army crawled until about 10 months old then one day, stood, wobbley and took off running :) potty trained took awhile - she was 2 - she would be really good then decide she didn't want to go in the potty....one time we were camping and it was late @ night and so I told her (3y/o) she could go in the dirt behind the tent - well, we got home and after a week or so, I look in the backyard and there she was peeing in the yard...:) Makes me smile and cry today...if only I knew.
Gina - you have made my day. Don't you just love talking about our girls? What about Cassi? What was Cassi like? What would Cassi want me to know about her? What is your favorite baby story about Cassi? What made Cassi smile? What made Cassi cry? Please tell me about her - I want to know her - I believe she and my Jennifer are together......they have shared stories I'm sure and what do you think they are saying about us?
Love you sister----- (((((hugs))))) Vicki
I love yours and Gina's dialogue! It's so important to have this place to talk about our kids. What was Jennifer ' s favorite color? What did she do for work? Did she like animals? I am enjoying getting to know your daughter even more as you share her with us. One day, I will meet her in heaven and I will know her, through you. Eddie's eyes were hazel too. They were beautiful and would change color depending on the colors he wore. I miss looking into his eyes.
Love you my friend. ♡
Beautiful! Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, Cassi, Cassi, Cassi, Ed, Ed, Ed, Douglas, Douglas, Douglas! This IS where our children are spoken of, remembered and held by a village of aunties. That is how I have always felt and know I always will. These children BElong to ALL of us.
Keep sharing, I'm listening and absorbing like a sponge. Douglas' eyes are blue and he's a mini me of Mr. LJ. I often felt as if his conception was done with a mirror. lol! Even my OB called him a "gene clump." He told us in elementary school that he was going to be the "Speaker of the House" when he grew up and that he most certainly had kissed the Blarney Stone. He began seeking his dad's cologne in the third grade and told us all the girls thought he smelled so good. :) His heart is a tender one and he actually had hoped to be in some kind of counseling field and I suspect now is doing the work he could not do earth side. He wore a little red ball cap for years and I had to switch them out when he was not looking. He was into "extreme sports" even as a child and made a ramp out of wood that he did jumps off of on his bike. My mom witnessed this and it scared the you know what out of her. Douglas was and still is Sarah's protector and when one of his friends had the nerve enough to invite her to prom he asked for Douglas to please not "dismember" him. lol! They double dated and it was a show stopper of an evening for them. :)
Let's keep getting to know one another's children. :) Their lives matter as do ours and as our Debbie says we are their memory keepers. I love that!
Love and heartfelt hugs of care to all,
XO Joanie
Oh Vicki...Cassi was such a sweet baby, but strong willed!!! When she made up her mind about something she usually wore me down, even when she was tiny. She discovered her left thumb when she was about a month old and started sleeping through the night because she could comfort herself. I was only 20 when I had her so we kind of grew up together and I raised her to be my little buddy and what a perfect buddy she was!! We both loved the Power Rangers, we both loved the Spice Girls, lol. She had eclectic taste in music, from hard rock to classical piano, just like her Mommy. She was so much fun to be around, but relaxing at the same time. Even when she was older (when she would let me) I would hang out with her in her room watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer feeling like the luckiest Mom in the world. We loved shopping, not so much for clothes but we loved makeup and spent hours in Sephora. We could also pass a day in Books-A-Million or Barnes and Nobles, both of us being big readers. Her hair color changed often, again like me, and she had pale blue eyes. Once she entered her senior year of high school was when her deep depression set in. Lookin back, I guess it was the beginning of the end butI didn't see it at the time. I never gave up on her or trying to get her help and I believed she would either outgrow it or we would find some sort of treatment that worked. She was my best friend. The pain is unbearable at times, but I would never give it up for the years that I had her. Our amazing bond will last forever, and someday we will be together again. Thanks for sharing about your baby girl. I could feel your smile through the words!
Oh...I forgot...Cassi didn't cry much either, but when she did, you knew she was in real pain. Once when she was about 4 she was watching t.v. in the livingroom and I was puttering about the house when all of a sudden I heard her crying, and as I got to her the crying got much worse, before I could even grab her to find out what was wrong the television caught my eye. Charlotte's Web was on. Ahhh, I knew immediately...Charlotte had died, and Cassi cried the same way I did when I read the book. She LOVED animals. Fast forward to her senior year of high school. She came home from school crying hysterically. I finally out the story out of her. She had gotten a late start getting off to school that morning because she couldn't decide what to wear. On her way to school she saw a stray dog bythe road and wanted to pick it up and bring it home, but she was running late. So on her way home thatday, she saw where the dog had been run over. She was overcome with sorrow and guilt. She told me through her tears her vanity (she was NOT vain) had made her late for school, so she couldn't pick up the dog, then the dog got killed. That was Cassi. My Cassi. Thanks for letting me share.
Oh Gina, Thank you for giving me an "insight" into Cassi. What a lover of animals and such a caring heart! Don't you love that Cassi was "strong willed" or as my dad would say Jennifer was "high spirited" - they have a strength that not many have, but I also believe that their creativity puts them in another level and their struggles are deep. I'm so glad you shared - I love hearing about our kids - (((((hugs))))) Vicki
the day by day of it all...I guess that is how we get through it all...day by day, one foot in front of another, hand in hand, heart to heart,