winding down

Its only 535pm and I feel like Im crashing. Ive been up since 430am after only sleeping about 2hrs. Im tired and Im worn out. Part of me wants someone to talk to in order to take my mind off my destructive, sad thoughts and part of me wants to curl up in a little ball and just wish it all away. Im ok for little bits of time but then the melancholy sets in and takes over. Im so very tired of this…..its so hard to keep going. The past couple days I find myself thinking of what I would write in a suicide note and I "joke" about it when Im around people. I feel these are two indicators that I am slowly becoming more suicidal and it scares me. I have to make a decision soon…….will I go back to IOP or go into the hospital. Ive already accepted that Im going to one or the other which kinda sucks but deep down I know its for the best. I feel like I am having an internal battle for my own life. Part of me makes the argument that its too painful, you will only keep failing at life, end it….and part of me is saying don't listen to the other voice….its only the disease talking…..trying to deceive you…stay alive at any cost. Its a hard fought battle and right now neither side has the upper hand. Im so tired of this….I need some relief.