Will the trust ever return?
Will I ever trust him again? I don't think I will ever trust him as I did before. Every time he goes some place the thought will pop into my mind is he telling the truth about where he is going? If it is to work I have to ignore any thoughts I have or worries and push them to the back of my mind. I know these feeling will consume me if I don't. It is almost like living a life of pretend or a lie. Pretend things don't bother me. Ignore the worries because you can't stop them or fix em. If he is going to do it then I can't stop him. If the signs are there like before then I will start to get nervous. I can't go with him every time he lives. It just makes me so made that he did this and I am paying the price. The cat is out of the bag and his burden is gone.....Now the load is on me X 100. Just sweep the dirt under the rug. I never could have imagined the amount of pain and damage that a affair could cause. Just the so many deeps of it. Worry about why he went to her, how intimate was it, what they did~no doubt everything since it was almost a 4 month relationship. Can we get past this, what will people say because I want to work it out. Does he think of her when he is with me. Will he still go back to her? This is so the biggest challenge I have ever encountered. Today wasn't so bad. So I know things can heal just very slowly. I had a lot of anxiety to just wanting to be home and be with him. That is the only time I feel somewhat better.
I have been trying to exercise and I must admit that my appetite is not the same since the A. I want to better myself for me...But at the same time the OW was thin and blonde. Me I am a bigger girl with dark hair. This has put a big blow to my self esteem that was already very low. So I can't say that her looks are not a big motivator to to inspire me to loose weight. Actually she used to be the same size as me and lost a bunch of weight. I just want to be happier with myself.
Hoping for a good night with my husband. I pray he truly means what he says about wanting to be with me. I just worry he will still leave me for her. See there is that darn worry again......push the thoughts away!!! lol
Have a great night everyone...And strength and blessings to everyone also!!
I have been trying to exercise and I must admit that my appetite is not the same since the A. I want to better myself for me...But at the same time the OW was thin and blonde. Me I am a bigger girl with dark hair. This has put a big blow to my self esteem that was already very low. So I can't say that her looks are not a big motivator to to inspire me to loose weight. Actually she used to be the same size as me and lost a bunch of weight. I just want to be happier with myself.
Hoping for a good night with my husband. I pray he truly means what he says about wanting to be with me. I just worry he will still leave me for her. See there is that darn worry again......push the thoughts away!!! lol
Have a great night everyone...And strength and blessings to everyone also!!
Replies
It will get better. Initially the only time I didn\'t feel anxiety was when we were home together. At least then I knew he wasn\'t on the cell calling her. But eventually you have to try and get past that or it will eat you alive. I\'m not saying I don\'t still have anxiety and worry cuz I do, but it\'s getting better. Like you said if they are going to do it-there is nothing we can do to stop it and I can\'t live the rest of my life being a police officer in this marriage, so either he loves me and will be faithful from here on out, or he won\'t and it will come out eventually. I do believe he is being faithful now, his attitude and actions are totally different now then they were when he was contacting her. I just have to take it day by day, and I don\'t watch him like a hawk anymore, but the radar is still up for any signs. I know in time that too will lessen, but it will probably never go away completely. Anyhow, just hang in there and working on improving yourself will only benefit you more in the long run. So definately do that for yourself.
A lot of people say the trust is never really the same. I generally trust what he is saying to me right now but I know I will never trust completely again. He knows this and it makes him sad but its the price he gets to pay. To blindly trust them again just sets us up for the devastation all over and I personally will never go through this again. If I hold back just that little amount then if he does do it again it won\'t be such a shock to my system. My OW is also a little blonde thing with a killer body from her menial labor job. I am dark haired and have the body you would expect of a woman who had 2 c-sections within 16 months of each other. So I hear you on that. I\'m doing my best now to get in shape but not for him. I\'m doing this for my health, my kids and my self esteem.
I have been battling with this myself but it has been getting better. At first, I hated whenever he had to go out and was only at peace when he was home. But, now 5 mths into dday I am able to go days without worrying about where he truly is. He hasn\'t gone out with friends since dday and only goes out for work. The only other times he\'s with me or with his fam. However, I know that this is not sustainable and that eventually he will have to start hanging out with friends again and doing stuff. I never actually told him to do this but he realized that this is what I need and it\'s a small price to pay for what he did. I have told him on several occasions that he should start going out again (not because I truly want him to but b/c I know he must want to get some sense of normalcy again and hang out with friends and his brother like he used to) but he hasn\'t. He says he doesn\'t quite feel that I am ready for that and so he hasn\'t. I worry that once he does I will feel like you. I hope not. I know I can\'t keep him a prisoner forever and that men find a way to do their dirt any way if they truly want to. I hope to one day also feel like ronidk and stateofchaos and I am hopeful that once he goes out like before I will.
Hang in there and just try to brush those thoughts aside. Easier said than done I know.