Will it ever end?
Will it ever end? It seems that with each new day I wake up to more problems being heaped upon my substantial "mountain" of problems... it just keeps growing and growing. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. The more I try to dig myself out (you see, I'm presently buried under this enormous mountain of problems) the more gets added on.
Everything in my life is a wreck right now. Me. My partner. My kids. My finances. My relationships with friends. My house. My car. EVERYTHING!
I have $5.39 in my bank account. That's supposed to last me until the end of the month, but it's only the 10th! The only thing left in my gastank is fumes... I have no idea how I am going to get my son from school this afternoon. Since I stopped working over 2 years ago, I have borrowed money from everyone I know to the point that I don't want to have to ask anyone... not even my parents. I'm just so fucked right now!
It seems like everything that could go wrong is going wrong. I'm trying to avoid situations that frustrate me and send me flying into a rage in my mixed-episode state... but that's nearly impossible since EVERYTHING frustrates me. My daughter just hurt her mouth playing with the vaccuum cleaner attachment I had just told her not to play with. Her mouth was all bloody, doesn't seem to be anything serious, but her constant screaming and temper tantrums has gotten to me so much that when she has a legitimate reason to scream and cry, even that makes my blood boil.
I'm just trying to get my life together. Why is it so hard to find the help you need when you're actually IN NEED? How the fuck do welfare moms get away with living on welfare their whole lives when they are perfectly capable of working, but people who are ill and actually NEED help can't get it? My SSDI case is taking forever, meanwhile my condition is getting worse by the day, but none of the social service agencies can help me UNTIL my SSDI case has been approved. My GOD! What is it going to take to get people's attention? Can't anyone see that I'm drowning here? I'm fucking dying and no one cares. Each day another piece of "ME" chips off. By the time anyone bothers to notice, there will be nothing left of me, just a hollow shell where I used to be.
Everything in my life is a wreck right now. Me. My partner. My kids. My finances. My relationships with friends. My house. My car. EVERYTHING!
I have $5.39 in my bank account. That's supposed to last me until the end of the month, but it's only the 10th! The only thing left in my gastank is fumes... I have no idea how I am going to get my son from school this afternoon. Since I stopped working over 2 years ago, I have borrowed money from everyone I know to the point that I don't want to have to ask anyone... not even my parents. I'm just so fucked right now!
It seems like everything that could go wrong is going wrong. I'm trying to avoid situations that frustrate me and send me flying into a rage in my mixed-episode state... but that's nearly impossible since EVERYTHING frustrates me. My daughter just hurt her mouth playing with the vaccuum cleaner attachment I had just told her not to play with. Her mouth was all bloody, doesn't seem to be anything serious, but her constant screaming and temper tantrums has gotten to me so much that when she has a legitimate reason to scream and cry, even that makes my blood boil.
I'm just trying to get my life together. Why is it so hard to find the help you need when you're actually IN NEED? How the fuck do welfare moms get away with living on welfare their whole lives when they are perfectly capable of working, but people who are ill and actually NEED help can't get it? My SSDI case is taking forever, meanwhile my condition is getting worse by the day, but none of the social service agencies can help me UNTIL my SSDI case has been approved. My GOD! What is it going to take to get people's attention? Can't anyone see that I'm drowning here? I'm fucking dying and no one cares. Each day another piece of "ME" chips off. By the time anyone bothers to notice, there will be nothing left of me, just a hollow shell where I used to be.
Replies
hey there...i just stumbled upon your journal, and i wanted to say i really can relate. i am BP2, but i seem to feel just as you do. frustration with bills, (i did lose my home though), kids, etc. i am waiting on ssdi also, for multiple issues. mainly the mental issues (i have ptsd, depression, anxiety, bp2), and my chronic pain. i know i am not helping here, but i just wanted you to know i can completely relate. i can offer a ear to listen and a hug though!