Will I ever be enough?..

I have been in toxic relationships all my life. I think that a lot of that stems from my experiences with perverted men growing up and my absentee father in my teens. I spent most of my early to mid twenties drinking and inevitably going downhill. I spent most of that time hiding my pain with alcohol and attention from men who never really cared about me. It didn't matter what kind of person I had because I didn't love myself, and I didn’t believe that anyone would ever truly love me. Everything was temporary in my eyes, and I felt nothing. Then I met my ex boyfriend, and I started to feel something again. I loved him, and then he became emotionally/verbally abusive and severely possessive. I was just... so shocked. I had changed my ways, and I thought that my life was headed in another direction. Little did I know I was in a relationship with someone who would be literally the WORST guy I have ever been with. (An example of his madness is assuming that I was secretly pregnant and planning on running away to South Carolina with my male best friend) He would go as far as to text and call my friends to see if I was lying about being with them. I ended our relationship on Valentine’s Day when we got into an argument and he sped through red lights and almost got us into an accident. He was the kind of person who would pick at your flaws and put you down in any way that would make you feel insecure. He did that time and time again, but I was not a young naive girl anymore. I would not stand for that kind of bullshit. I had respect for myself. I had changed.

After that relationship ended, I took control of my life. This was around the same time that I quit smoking and went back to school. After cutting out the toxic, I started to live a healthier and happier life, but something remained. I had ZERO confidence in myself. It was hard to admit, but I have always had self image problems. It didn't help that over the last couple of years the men that I have met have been gross pigs. Once they realized that I wouldn't sleep with them, they bailed or attacked me for “wasting their time”. The others were in relationships and had the audacity to pursue me and call me “special” when in reality all they wanted was a new piece of ass because they were fighting with their significant other. I started wondering, how much am I truly worth? Will I ever be enough for someone? Will I ever be more than a temporary fix or piece of ass? I have so much to offer in a relationship. I am extremely understanding, non-judgmental, trustworthy, great with kids, loyal, kind, etc.. Why can't I just meet someone decent?

I have been the one to say that I didn't need a relationship to make me happy--that I am too busy with school and building a life for myself. Yes, I am busy, and I am building a life for myself. It's not that I NEED love--I just want it. I want it so badly. I go to bed every night and I wonder what it is like to be held by someone who truly loves me, and I wonder when I will ever be able to experience that..

I'd like to think that there is someone out there right now who is feeling the way that I do tonight--someone who is thinking about their past, all the pain and hurt, and the long and winding road that led them to where they are today. I like to think that they are dreaming about a road that will merge with theirs one day--my road. We don't know each other, but we know that one day we will meet, and that is when our lives will truly begin. Suddenly all the pain and heartache we struggled with all these years will simply be a distant memory. It will all have been worth it.

It may seem corny, but I DO believe that someone out there can love the way that I do. I have met people in the past who "could love me" if they didn't love someone else or people who have told me that "if they could commit" it would be with me. That didn’t make me feel special. It felt like a smack in face followed by a, "but we could still be fuckbuddies if you want". I KNOW that there is someone out there for me, and until that day I will continue to further my education and build a life for myself. For all I know, the person who is meant for me could be here sooner than I thought.

Until then I will simply continue to dream about the life that will one day be mine..

<3