Will I ever appease God: Story from a divorce man.

I feel like I will never be in great standings with God. I know about grace and nothing I will do to earn it.  I am trying and trying to do something or anything to change to be cleanse. My marriage was a train wreck the last couple of years. I confess the mistakes I made and trying to move on. I just trying to move my life in the positive direction but I just get stop in the ground. I really stop looking for work to be honest. No matter how much I go to school. I just want to work and be a regular citizen. I feel like I kill somebody. When I go to church I feel the outcast going to back of the crowd and not get stone to death. Then I see the married people together, happy and unhappy couples, but at least they can fake that they are happy. I know how to fake a happy marriage. I been doing it for years. I just had enough lying to myself and to others.
I'm trying a new relationship with a  new chick and it is not working out. I saw here for the first time and say nah, it is not going to work. She annoy me to no ends. She is so combative. I know it is cute now but down the line, no.  She is a nice person but I see it is a problem. I also notice it from her point of view. She think I'm too scar from a divorce that is looming. Mary haven't made no effort to call at all. I'm also done there too. I do realize I do need to go myself time to heal like a year or two. I may seek to fill the void because I'm lonely. Rules to the game  before you get married  1. Don't marry out of a secret agenda But it is tough for me not to see me not married. But I have to say," I'm starting over and I'm divorce, and single again, I will be ok. The feelings of betrayal, loss, grivence and separation is a natural feelings. I have to accept  that it will take some time. I have to forgive in order to move for me.