why oh why me god?
I spoke with Sarah today on the phone. it was not a good conversation. She still does not feel that the marriage is fixable. I feel so horrible, because i felt the pain in her. I felt the pain that i have caused her. I was not the best husband, because i did choose things over my family, and i now am reaping it. I only wish and pray that Sarah realizes that the seriousness of my changes are from the heart, and that she knows that i care deeply for her. I am simply horrified that i have been this way.
As i was writing this, her number popped up on my phone. I answered it and much to my surprise, it was my son Tommy! I really enjoyed talking with him. I miss them all soo much. I was extremely thankful for sarah allowing me to speak with him. I also am glad that we were able to talk today. I really think if we continue to talk, she will know the seriousness of me being the better man she wants and needs. And it is for me. I hated the old me. I still do. I am trying to prove to the world i can and will change. NOT SARAH! i want her to see for her own eyes, and love the man that she married, not the me i changed into after the deployments
Today i want to talk about the pilot career i did not do. I wanted to join the Marines for four years active duty enlisted, and go to college while i was active to get a comission and be a combat helicopter pilot. I tried to go to school while i was enlisted, but only managed to get three classes doen, due to training and deployments. When i got out, i did not have time to go to school do to work. I wasted time with a bullshit job building race cars that didnt pan out at all. I moved out to AZ and got a retail job that had me work a lot of hours. It paid allright, but i was unhappy, because there was no sick days, one week of vacation, period. Just f-ing bullshit. I never had time to go to school there. I attempted to join the US Army to be a warrant officer and fly blackhawks, but i could not pass a flight physical because of my back. Now, i dont even know if i would want to be a pilot in the military, because of my family. I hated that i missed my first son's birth and missed out on my family. I have been living with that also. I am not even sure about what i want to go to school for anymore. I still want to go, but i do not even know what i want to do. The pilot idea is dead, and i have to accept that. I can still be a pilot, but not a combat pilot. I was thinking about being a lawyer. I just have to get situated with myself first, my family next, then start doing a few classes when i can.
As i was writing this, her number popped up on my phone. I answered it and much to my surprise, it was my son Tommy! I really enjoyed talking with him. I miss them all soo much. I was extremely thankful for sarah allowing me to speak with him. I also am glad that we were able to talk today. I really think if we continue to talk, she will know the seriousness of me being the better man she wants and needs. And it is for me. I hated the old me. I still do. I am trying to prove to the world i can and will change. NOT SARAH! i want her to see for her own eyes, and love the man that she married, not the me i changed into after the deployments
Today i want to talk about the pilot career i did not do. I wanted to join the Marines for four years active duty enlisted, and go to college while i was active to get a comission and be a combat helicopter pilot. I tried to go to school while i was enlisted, but only managed to get three classes doen, due to training and deployments. When i got out, i did not have time to go to school do to work. I wasted time with a bullshit job building race cars that didnt pan out at all. I moved out to AZ and got a retail job that had me work a lot of hours. It paid allright, but i was unhappy, because there was no sick days, one week of vacation, period. Just f-ing bullshit. I never had time to go to school there. I attempted to join the US Army to be a warrant officer and fly blackhawks, but i could not pass a flight physical because of my back. Now, i dont even know if i would want to be a pilot in the military, because of my family. I hated that i missed my first son's birth and missed out on my family. I have been living with that also. I am not even sure about what i want to go to school for anymore. I still want to go, but i do not even know what i want to do. The pilot idea is dead, and i have to accept that. I can still be a pilot, but not a combat pilot. I was thinking about being a lawyer. I just have to get situated with myself first, my family next, then start doing a few classes when i can.
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