Why must we live?
I'm in a really bad place tonight, and need to let it out, before something bad possibly happens. I'm having a really hard time lately, and honestly, I don't know how much more I can take before I break. I'm going no where in my life. Most of you know this by now, whether I have stated this to you personally, or have written it in a journal that you read. My life is just a shamble, and it's sole purpose is to please everyone else. I'm tired of pleasing everyone else. I'm so very very tired of it.
I throw my hands up in the air, and ask, what is the purpose of all this? I see no future for myself, I see no path where I will truly be happy, nor do I see a way to remedy the thorns that stick inside me. I am lost, hurt, frustrated, sad, lonely, depressed, and a bit suicidal yes. Only in thought, as I know doing that will only destroy my family, and I'm too selfless to do it, even if the temptation is so great.
I'm so isolated, and trapped in my life. I feel like a prisoner, even though I'm not. I feel like my friends have all but abandoned me. I barely get out anymore, unless it is a mass group event, because no one wants to do anything with me, that doesn't revolve around sitting home, alone, playing a game with them from their house. This time last year, I was out almost every weekend, doing something fun, exciting, enjoyable. This year, I've maybe done a handful of things, and the despair that is causing me is painful to say the least. What's worse, is I don't fully understand why this is causing me so much despair in the first place.
Not to mention, my best friend has been going off on me for a few weeks now about this car I have. More on that in the paragraphs to follow. He helped me get the darn thing. He eased my mind, telling me the things wrong with were just little minor things that could easily be fixed. (They aren't). Not only that, but had this whole speech, on how because my ex left me with nothing, that this should symbolize the next chapter in my life. My first car, the car I've always wanted, I should go for it, that I deserved it. I bought in on it, line and sinker, because dumb me is so easily manipulated by words, that I felt he was sincere.
Low and behold, after 3 months of fixing things just to get it legal to drive, August 1st, we finally get it to pass inspection. Yay for me, I thought, but since then, more and more issues keep creeping up. And as such, he feels the need to lecture me on how bad an investment "I" made. A mutual friend, who works on cars, insults me, puts me down, and tears me asunder with his words, all because he hates that type of car. My best friend, the one who should always have my back, no matter what, sides with this idiot, and joins in with putting me down over it. Sell it they say, get something better. Last I checked, the reason I got that was because it took me 6 months to save it, and it was going to take me another 6 to get something just a little better, maybe.
I have a car, but it sits, broken. Just the other day, thinking it was ok to drive, I took it out, and was heading down to the shore. My MG was being good, and I was feeling somewhat strong, and I wanted to have a fun day, all to myself, in the hopes of stemming this tide of uneasiness and sadness. As I drive down the road, I hit a little bump, and my mirror falls off and hits me right in the groin. Needless to say that hurt, but I tossed it aside, saying screw it, I'm still going. Not even 2 minutes later, my car starts raising in temperature. Great, I'm going to overheat now. And sure enough, the car starts running really hot. 30 miles away from home, I turn around, blast the heat, on an 85 degree day no less, and drive myself home, with the gauge hovering back and forth so much it was worrisome. As I parked the car, getting home safe, I hit the steering wheel, in frustration, and just cried.
It was the straw for me. I just couldn't take no more. All I could do was cry, because even the little bit of choice I get in my life, it still is taken away. I, everyday, have to fight with my body just to function. Whether it be walking, talking, eating, seeing, driving, activity, or just going to the bathroom, I have to fight. No one cares, and I suppose I shouldn't expect them too. They don't have to live the hell I do. I fight so hard, just for myself, and at this point in my life, I don't know why anymore.
No one really cares, and honestly, I'm not surprised. Who would want to deal with this mess I'm in. I'm disabled, sick daily, unable to work, unable to move out of his parents house because of the aforementioned issues, doesn't have the capability of getting a reliable car, and struggles with the fact that this is all here right now. My friends, they are useless to talk to. Have a serious discussion you want to talk about. Well expect 2 word answers, or I don't know, or yea, life sucks. Yet, somehow, someway, I'm always there for them. Supportive, giving them opinions and ideas, suggestions, actually caring about their problems, and wanting to help them. Why is it they don't do this for me? Why is it that I'm just good enough when they need me for something, and nothing else? What did I do to deserve such a fate?
Which leads to the final issue, the whole package, is that I'm lonely, and will most likely always be lonely. Just the last paragraph is proof enough. Who the hell would want to date someone that has this much going on? Between the lack of money, lack of a way upward, a lack of actually going out because of the pos that sits in my driveway, who the heck would want to take that on? I'm not stupid, I know why everyone rejects me. I know full well that I'm not worthy of their time, because of my life. I'm the nicest guy half of them will ever meet. I care, am sweet, and would go to the ends of the earth for someone, if I truly loved them. None of that matters in today's world though. They want money, possessions, and no problems. And while I can understand the concept, and can really see the benefits of that, it doesn't change the fact that I'm not capable of ever providing those things. How does one actually cope with the fact that society deems them unworthy of love, and respect?
I'm so very sorry, but I just don't know how to handle it all anymore. Why should I keep torturing myself, day in and day out? I feel so rejected, in so many facets of my life, and it burdens my heart and soul. Will the variables change? Probably. Will my life actually change, it doesn't seem as likely. I feel like I deal with a problem one day, resolve it, and another one pops up. I can likely fix my car over time. I can even probably fix or repair whatever is wrong with my stupid friends. But honestly, why bother? As soon as they are fixed, they will likely erode again, and will need more fixing, more and more, as time goes on.
I'm just so tired. And the realization that no one is ever going to be there for me, the way I am there for them, makes me cry. No one bothers to fix me, no one even bothers to care. I don't even see the purpose in living anymore, and that is sad, coming from someone who wants so badly to live. I just want to have happiness in my heart. To be free from the chains that bind me. To soar in the sky, away from all the burdens that weigh me down so heavily. But sadly those are just dreams. Because everyday, I wake up, and look in the mirror, and see the same old broken me.
I throw my hands up in the air, and ask, what is the purpose of all this? I see no future for myself, I see no path where I will truly be happy, nor do I see a way to remedy the thorns that stick inside me. I am lost, hurt, frustrated, sad, lonely, depressed, and a bit suicidal yes. Only in thought, as I know doing that will only destroy my family, and I'm too selfless to do it, even if the temptation is so great.
I'm so isolated, and trapped in my life. I feel like a prisoner, even though I'm not. I feel like my friends have all but abandoned me. I barely get out anymore, unless it is a mass group event, because no one wants to do anything with me, that doesn't revolve around sitting home, alone, playing a game with them from their house. This time last year, I was out almost every weekend, doing something fun, exciting, enjoyable. This year, I've maybe done a handful of things, and the despair that is causing me is painful to say the least. What's worse, is I don't fully understand why this is causing me so much despair in the first place.
Not to mention, my best friend has been going off on me for a few weeks now about this car I have. More on that in the paragraphs to follow. He helped me get the darn thing. He eased my mind, telling me the things wrong with were just little minor things that could easily be fixed. (They aren't). Not only that, but had this whole speech, on how because my ex left me with nothing, that this should symbolize the next chapter in my life. My first car, the car I've always wanted, I should go for it, that I deserved it. I bought in on it, line and sinker, because dumb me is so easily manipulated by words, that I felt he was sincere.
Low and behold, after 3 months of fixing things just to get it legal to drive, August 1st, we finally get it to pass inspection. Yay for me, I thought, but since then, more and more issues keep creeping up. And as such, he feels the need to lecture me on how bad an investment "I" made. A mutual friend, who works on cars, insults me, puts me down, and tears me asunder with his words, all because he hates that type of car. My best friend, the one who should always have my back, no matter what, sides with this idiot, and joins in with putting me down over it. Sell it they say, get something better. Last I checked, the reason I got that was because it took me 6 months to save it, and it was going to take me another 6 to get something just a little better, maybe.
I have a car, but it sits, broken. Just the other day, thinking it was ok to drive, I took it out, and was heading down to the shore. My MG was being good, and I was feeling somewhat strong, and I wanted to have a fun day, all to myself, in the hopes of stemming this tide of uneasiness and sadness. As I drive down the road, I hit a little bump, and my mirror falls off and hits me right in the groin. Needless to say that hurt, but I tossed it aside, saying screw it, I'm still going. Not even 2 minutes later, my car starts raising in temperature. Great, I'm going to overheat now. And sure enough, the car starts running really hot. 30 miles away from home, I turn around, blast the heat, on an 85 degree day no less, and drive myself home, with the gauge hovering back and forth so much it was worrisome. As I parked the car, getting home safe, I hit the steering wheel, in frustration, and just cried.
It was the straw for me. I just couldn't take no more. All I could do was cry, because even the little bit of choice I get in my life, it still is taken away. I, everyday, have to fight with my body just to function. Whether it be walking, talking, eating, seeing, driving, activity, or just going to the bathroom, I have to fight. No one cares, and I suppose I shouldn't expect them too. They don't have to live the hell I do. I fight so hard, just for myself, and at this point in my life, I don't know why anymore.
No one really cares, and honestly, I'm not surprised. Who would want to deal with this mess I'm in. I'm disabled, sick daily, unable to work, unable to move out of his parents house because of the aforementioned issues, doesn't have the capability of getting a reliable car, and struggles with the fact that this is all here right now. My friends, they are useless to talk to. Have a serious discussion you want to talk about. Well expect 2 word answers, or I don't know, or yea, life sucks. Yet, somehow, someway, I'm always there for them. Supportive, giving them opinions and ideas, suggestions, actually caring about their problems, and wanting to help them. Why is it they don't do this for me? Why is it that I'm just good enough when they need me for something, and nothing else? What did I do to deserve such a fate?
Which leads to the final issue, the whole package, is that I'm lonely, and will most likely always be lonely. Just the last paragraph is proof enough. Who the hell would want to date someone that has this much going on? Between the lack of money, lack of a way upward, a lack of actually going out because of the pos that sits in my driveway, who the heck would want to take that on? I'm not stupid, I know why everyone rejects me. I know full well that I'm not worthy of their time, because of my life. I'm the nicest guy half of them will ever meet. I care, am sweet, and would go to the ends of the earth for someone, if I truly loved them. None of that matters in today's world though. They want money, possessions, and no problems. And while I can understand the concept, and can really see the benefits of that, it doesn't change the fact that I'm not capable of ever providing those things. How does one actually cope with the fact that society deems them unworthy of love, and respect?
I'm so very sorry, but I just don't know how to handle it all anymore. Why should I keep torturing myself, day in and day out? I feel so rejected, in so many facets of my life, and it burdens my heart and soul. Will the variables change? Probably. Will my life actually change, it doesn't seem as likely. I feel like I deal with a problem one day, resolve it, and another one pops up. I can likely fix my car over time. I can even probably fix or repair whatever is wrong with my stupid friends. But honestly, why bother? As soon as they are fixed, they will likely erode again, and will need more fixing, more and more, as time goes on.
I'm just so tired. And the realization that no one is ever going to be there for me, the way I am there for them, makes me cry. No one bothers to fix me, no one even bothers to care. I don't even see the purpose in living anymore, and that is sad, coming from someone who wants so badly to live. I just want to have happiness in my heart. To be free from the chains that bind me. To soar in the sky, away from all the burdens that weigh me down so heavily. But sadly those are just dreams. Because everyday, I wake up, and look in the mirror, and see the same old broken me.
Replies
I am sorry you are lonely. I am lonely too and often wonder who could love a single parent who is very ill. I decided I have to work on fixing my health before I can think those thoughts. I hope you can reach into yourself to try to get well. I forget what treatments you are on, but the path to the best health you can achieve will be what frees you from these thoughts. Of course, I am writing these things as if they are easy, and they are not. Hugs and hope to you.
I had a dear friend that once gave me the advice that Elinor posted above, and that has made all the difference. Hope is where I had to start.
Please let me know if I can help.
I wish I knew how to get help. I have lost hope, and faith in myself, and the people I used to hold dear. Elinora, I\'m as good as I\'m getting I think. I\'ve been in the process of fixing my health since last year, but sadly everything the doctors try make it worse, so I\'m left to my own devices. I do my exercises everyday, and I relax and rest most of the time, and do activity only on good days unless life tells me not to. Aka, an emergency or something very important to my well being. I am seeing a new doctor in a couple months, so we will see what he thinks, but I am not very hopeful.
How does one gain hope when things are so bleak? Where does one find hope to begin with? I feel so lost, and honestly, I\'m scared.