Why must I have these thoughts

I wish the suicidal thoughts would go away, even for a day. I know deep down I don't want to hurt people but they thoughts, desires, and plans to do it grow stronger each day it feels. I used to tell myself I had responsibilities like taking care of the  10 year old but even things like that don't seem to matter these days for some reason. If I had the energy to get up and out of my chair I would be a danger to myself I think.