Why I Changed
My husband died in March of this year. At first I sat numb, wanting my old life back and when I realized I couldn't have it back, I decided to create a new one. I literally threw out the old one, keeping only small momentos of our life together. Now, it's been two weeks since I've moved to what I call the new normal.
The new normal is not a comfortable place to be. Sometimes it's strangeness takes my breath away. Still, it's better than the life I lead after DH died. I no longer live with the constant memories of what I could no longer have. Now, I sit on my new furniture, watching my new TV in my new home. I've tossed out all my clothes, and adapted a new way of dressing. I've changed my hairstyle, the way I do my work. I'm a different person and my husband would not recognize me.
How does it feel?
Like I was dropped into a parallel universe where most things look the same, but nothing is. I know that there will be some who would say that they want to retain the old life. That they enjoy living in the same house, driving down the same streets, eating in the same restaurants. But for me, it was sheer torture. It was like my old life was locked in a glass case that I couldn't break through to get it back. I decided if I couldn't have it back, then I would create a new one.
Still, there are times when everything is so different, it unnerves me. Today I was shopping with my father, and it struck me how strange it was. Here I was in a store, stacking my groceries in a cart along with my father, but at the checkout counter we would decide who would pay for what. I wanted my old life back so badly that I could scream. But I didn't. Instead, I did what the new Tru had to do. I continued breathing. I continued to smile as if everything was okay. It isn't, but what choice did I have.
It comes down to this: I can't go back. I can't feel my husbands arms around me anymore. I can't sit and snuggle next to him watching Doctor Who anymore. I can't talk to him about my day anymore. These thing are all dead to me. And in the next life none of it will matter. Right now, all I can do is move forward. I think each of us must look within ourselves to see how best to do this.
Charles Dickens introduced me to the character of Miss Havasham, a woman stood up at the alter. The character remained in the wedding dress for the rest of her life, never eating the wedding cake, never enjoying life. She set the clocks in her house to the exact moment in which she discovered that she'd been jilted.
For me, this was my greatest fear. It represented a possibility that neither I nor my husband would want for me.
The new normal is not a comfortable place to be. Sometimes it's strangeness takes my breath away. Still, it's better than the life I lead after DH died. I no longer live with the constant memories of what I could no longer have. Now, I sit on my new furniture, watching my new TV in my new home. I've tossed out all my clothes, and adapted a new way of dressing. I've changed my hairstyle, the way I do my work. I'm a different person and my husband would not recognize me.
How does it feel?
Like I was dropped into a parallel universe where most things look the same, but nothing is. I know that there will be some who would say that they want to retain the old life. That they enjoy living in the same house, driving down the same streets, eating in the same restaurants. But for me, it was sheer torture. It was like my old life was locked in a glass case that I couldn't break through to get it back. I decided if I couldn't have it back, then I would create a new one.
Still, there are times when everything is so different, it unnerves me. Today I was shopping with my father, and it struck me how strange it was. Here I was in a store, stacking my groceries in a cart along with my father, but at the checkout counter we would decide who would pay for what. I wanted my old life back so badly that I could scream. But I didn't. Instead, I did what the new Tru had to do. I continued breathing. I continued to smile as if everything was okay. It isn't, but what choice did I have.
It comes down to this: I can't go back. I can't feel my husbands arms around me anymore. I can't sit and snuggle next to him watching Doctor Who anymore. I can't talk to him about my day anymore. These thing are all dead to me. And in the next life none of it will matter. Right now, all I can do is move forward. I think each of us must look within ourselves to see how best to do this.
Charles Dickens introduced me to the character of Miss Havasham, a woman stood up at the alter. The character remained in the wedding dress for the rest of her life, never eating the wedding cake, never enjoying life. She set the clocks in her house to the exact moment in which she discovered that she'd been jilted.
For me, this was my greatest fear. It represented a possibility that neither I nor my husband would want for me.
Replies
Interesting point of view, the Havasham analogy really holds some meaning. Something worth the ponder.
I believe that there must be a happy medium between the drastic change of everything in your life and living as Miss Havasham. I know that I can\'t turn back time - I am fully aware that no amount of wishing is going to change what has happened or change this new life that I am embarking upon. But for me personally, discarding everything that is a part of my life with my husband is not something that I would feel comfortable with. It doesn\'t mean that I\'m stuck in my wedding dress (actually, I wore jeans !! LOL) - it just means that staying in our home, having photos and things of Mark\'s makes me smile, gives me joy through the fog, makes me feel comforted. And isn\'t that what it\'s all about? Having some smiles and some joy along this difficult journey?
One of the many wonderful things that I love about being here at DS - reading so many different points of view. Everyone is different and everyone has to find their way thru this differently. It truly gives something to think about.
Thanks for sharing,
Chris
I really appreciate the parallel universe comparison. A very good way of illustration what I call my \"new normal\". I feel like I am walking in quicksand with every step forward followed by two steps back. Just have no clue how to start the clocks of my life ticking again. I also know this is not what my wife would want but I cannot seem to overcome the grief.
What you say is so very true. We can\'t go back so the only way is to forge ahead even if it is only one step at a time. Each of us has a different way to do this. For some like me that means staying put in my home and then launching myself out into the world trying new things and learning to deal with life on my own. I am so very aware that the clock keeps on ticking and that it is up to me to make meaning out of that fact. I have learned that it is alright sometimes to stop the hands of the clock and take some time out. The clock will on its own start again. It always does whether we want it to or not. Hugs.
You are just in the beginning of your grief. To change your life so fast seems unnatural to me. No wonder you feel like you are living in a parallel universe. You are. It took me seven months to try to turn my life around and learn to live as a widowed grandma. It is not easy. I am still trying to adjust to life without Smokey. It\'s the hardest most unbearable thing that anyone could ever do in this life is to heal from grief. To turn your life around so fast doesn\'t seem normal to me. You have to walk thru the pain of grief. It is natural. It is natural to cry and to feel your feelings. You can\'t hold it in. If you do, it will come out in another form. Hats off if you can turn your life around, however, you learn to live with the pain of loss. From Diane
WOW! Truhal, you did do a complete 180, didn\'t you? Of course, I don\'t know your whole situation, and, as we say, everyone has to deal with this new life in their own way.
I have read so many books from widowed people, and grief counselors, their advice is to wait at least a year before making any drastic changes in their lives -- beside the obvious one-- our spouse is gone. But, sometimes, that is not feasible in some circumstances.
I hope that you do well with all the changes that you have made. I couldn\'t make those kind of changes that fast. I\'m not good with change, unless, I choose it. You chose this, so, I assume that you are dealing with all the changes in your own way. I sincerely hope you do great! Hugs. Joely
l wish you well with your new attitude,l know eventually we will all have to change,accept this new life that we have been given,for how long we don,t know.l think at times l would love to move to another area,away from all the people and memories that l have.l know what you mean walking down the same street,l understand all that,but its been hard for me,at 19 months,l,m still adjusting to my new me,if it is a new me,at times it still me,but without my husband.l do think though that grieving takes along time,but good on you for being positive.
Alice