Why Have I Done This???
So I was taking my meds this morning, when I heard the TV in the other room say it was Tuesday Feb 10, 2009. I just about lost it there. I wanted to cry, scream, jump for joy, eat ice cream, and dance ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!! I was just so happy that I am almost to my 10 week mark. It's been sooo hard!! My Grandma (that's what I call my foster mom) asked what was going on. I told her about the significance of tomorrow, how I've been fighting for tomorrow since before I left for the psych ward. Instead of telling me, "That's awesome" or "I'm proud of you" or "I love you", she just said "Oh, you're never gonna do that again right?"I was breaking inside. All of my hard work. Invalidated. I wanted to be hugged, loved, told that she could see how hard I am working to make her happy. But now I question why I am doing this... Have I not SI'd in 10 weeks to make my Grandma happy? Is it for my therapist, so she doesn't need to worry about me? Is it for the psych hospital, to make them feel like they succeeded? But shouldn't I be doing this for myself? But would I even do this for myself?!?!I don't really know the answer to that last question... I mean sure SI left scars, but was it enough to make me want to stop forever for me??? So here I am... on the eve of the long-awaited Feb 11, wondering why in the hell I worked so hard these last 10 weeks. So I figure I will finish up this goal. Afterwards? I have no idea. I know I need to feel loved and appreciated, but the only way I know how to do that is with the blade. What in the world should I do?????????
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