Why exist?
I'm not sure if I'm in the right place, but I just kind of found myself here... I've always been the type of person that keeps things to myself, I think that plays a huge role on why I don't really have friends anymore, but I can't help it. I can't seem to trust anyone. I don't know why. I feel like everyone is judging me all the time. Whether I know them or not... Could be just passing me on the street or something and I feel like they're judging, thinking, look at her fat and ugly, and if they're talking to me probably think I'm stupid too. I don't know why. I try to be social, I try to meet people and all it just doesn't seem to work. Now I live alone, my family is half way across the world, I have no friends, I spend days without talking to anyone, and it hurts. I feel like most of the problems my family faces is because of me and are my fault. I was diagnosed with epilepsy about 8 or 9 yrs ago and need constant meds, I don't work and I take some college courses so my parents pay my rent and my tuition and I have 3 younger siblings and my parent's financial situation sucks and I feel like that's my fault.
I constantly feel alone, and I recently started having sleeping problems. I keep having bad dreams, reminders of everything I've done wrong in my life, and so I don't sleep much anymore...
I keep thinking about who and if anyone would notice if something happens to me. Like I said I live alone, and for some reason lately I keep seeing myself hurt or dead or kidnapped or something and no one would know. I have no friends or family around that would notice... My parents are half way across the world and we talk every other day but how would they know if something would happen to me. I sometimes wonder if I'm hurt or dead or something I would rott in my apartment for a long time before I'm noticed...
I keep thinking the world would be better off without me. My parents wouldn't have to deal with all my problems, I don't have friends so no one would care, so why not... why not jump off the building... why not take a handful of pills? why not cut myself?
I'm alone, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm sick, I don't make a difference in life... I don't matter... so why exist?
I constantly feel alone, and I recently started having sleeping problems. I keep having bad dreams, reminders of everything I've done wrong in my life, and so I don't sleep much anymore...
I keep thinking about who and if anyone would notice if something happens to me. Like I said I live alone, and for some reason lately I keep seeing myself hurt or dead or kidnapped or something and no one would know. I have no friends or family around that would notice... My parents are half way across the world and we talk every other day but how would they know if something would happen to me. I sometimes wonder if I'm hurt or dead or something I would rott in my apartment for a long time before I'm noticed...
I keep thinking the world would be better off without me. My parents wouldn't have to deal with all my problems, I don't have friends so no one would care, so why not... why not jump off the building... why not take a handful of pills? why not cut myself?
I'm alone, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm sick, I don't make a difference in life... I don't matter... so why exist?
Replies
I live about three and a half hours away from Toronto. I do not know if you are religious or not but I find it helps me a lot. It is not worth it to take your own life. You are only 20 and have your hole life a head of you. How do you think your family would feel if you died? I bet they would be devastated.
Honestly I don\'t know how they would feel... sometimes i think that maybe it would be a relief for them... i mean i know they care about me and all but I don\'t know... I just feel like they\'d be sad for a bit and then they\'d get over it and realize they\'re better off without me...
Babygal, no one is perfect, no one! I often feel the way you have just written and it\'s a horrible lonely feeling that often times get worse at night. Which is why you may be losing sleep. Thats time alone, unless you have a mate, that thoughts just soak in. The simple fact that you gave this site a chance, means you want to fight. Then give it all you\'ve got. I\'m always on every day. Keep your head up and stay strong. Crying isn\'t weakness. Let it out.
\"I just feel like they\'d be sad for a bit and then they\'d get over it and realize they\'re better off without me... \"
I\'ve felt this exact same way. And then i told my mom this and it made her cry. I don\'t know if this would work for you or not, it kinda depends on family members\' reactions, but I actually found it really helpful to tell her this and have her show me how wrong i was. Like I said, don\'t know if it would work for you, but I figured I\'d share.
I can\'t tell them. Not because of them, but because I can\'t do it... This was the first time I actually shared this stuff, and the only way I did that was by keeping my identity hidden... And even if I could, the first thing they\'d do is make me go back and live there and I can\'t.
I can handle living with my parents and siblings, but I cannot handle the rest of the family. And my extended family is close with my parents and with each other, except with me... I\'ve never gotten along with any of them, they\'re so closed and I\'m not, they judge and gossip and they\'re just so closed minded... My siblings are used to them, they don\'t mind who they are cause they grew up together, I didn\'t know them until I the second half of 8th grade (thats when we moved to the same country they live in)...
My parents grew up different than all my extended family, they both left home when they finished high school, traveled, studied in the US, but almost all my extended family stayed where they are they just stayed in their own bubbly, and are mostly just friends with each other...
So I can\'t tell my parents, cause I can\'t handle going back. I couldn\'t handle them when I was there, I chose to go to a semi boarding school in high school (school during the week home for the weekend- it was an hr away from home-) so I managed to avoid them at the time, but now I\'d have to deal with them being around, and that would be an entirely new level of depression.