Why does this happen to me

I did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong.

The more I say it, the less true it seems to me. I was just having a conversation, get yelled at because of it, not allowed to talk to him anymore, fuck.

I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. I try to be happy and make the people around me happy but I always end up dragging them down the road I went down because I need help but afraid to ask for it. I'm afraid of regetion. Humiliation. Feeling Alone. "I'm so sorry." 

Nobody gets it. Nobody gets what I have to deal with everyday. Nobody in my house cares enough to ask how my fucking day was anymore. I scarf down my food so I don't have to engage in a family conversation I'm not a part of. 5 people in a family, oldest gets left out. ALWAYS.

They don't pay attention anymore. They don't know what goes when I shut my door. Nobody does. I become the real me. My mask comes off, I'm all alone.

I'm losing my friends. They are becoming farther and farther away and I can't get there. I can't move my feet without them. I just want it back to the way it was. I want my life where I was able to sleep, and not have panic attacks, and not worry about crying in school. 

They giggle when I cry. They shed tear of laughter when I shed tears of the unknown. They laugh until they can't breathe while I'm crying until I can't breathe. They are making memories and they don't want me to be apart of them. 

If they cared so much, why don't they try harder. Why don't you give me your shoulder when you know I'm crying. Why do you blame me for everything I do wrong. 

We are human, and humans make mistakes. It is part of life.