Why does numbness seem like the only way out?

My stomach’s like scorched earth. She doesn’t want to talk anymore. She doesn’t want to have any communication anymore. She’s willing to be civil and polite if we cross paths.And that’s it.I have lost again.I’ve lost again in my life. What else is new?Loss of relationships. Loss of opportunities. Loss of knowledge.Loss. Forming relationships. Losing relationships. Community being built up. Community ebbing away.And I’m floating. Advancing. Dancing.Skidding.Things are out of control.You don’t want me anymore. I am something to have been thrown away.And I am alone.Alone.Alone.Maybe forever alone? My whole life?Never to have known true romantic intimacy?Never to have known reliable stability with someone?I spent so much time building up a relationship with you. I put in so much effort.And now you drop me. After all that.I guess that didn’t mean anything to you.I’m just something to be thrown away in the end.And you don’t care that I’m hurting.You don’t give a flying fuck.No, clearly you don’t care. You don’t care that a fellow human being is pain.You don’t give a shit about my loss.And now, no one is there with me.Maybe G-d.But no person.But no, this is far from bottom. It could be so very much worse.Isn’t that sad?Blood comes out from my stomach, soaking through my shirt. I have been shot.And no one’s there for me.There was more I wanted to tell you. Very personal things… at least one… that I was going to open up about. But you didn’t give me a chance.You wouldn’t understand that I rarely get far enough along in a relationship with someone to share such a thing. That I kind of wanted to with you.But now the door is slammed shut, and my torso has been caught in it— pinched with an extraordinarily brutal pain.Interesting that this has become long-term, this aloneness. If I believed in fault, I might think it’s partly my fault. Since I don’t, I reason that’s a result of a mix of preferences, circumstances, and G-d’s will for me.Interesting to wonder how my life got on this track of solitude. How I’m not “normal,” like others, when it comes to romance.I wish G-d would reach out to me through you.But I guess you weren’t “there.”Very disappointing...