Why do you dislike me? A letter to my "roommate"
I know I can't give this to him right now because I need a place to live. I have landed a great job and hopefully my living situation will change soon. I need closure and he refuses to give it to me.
Why do you dislike me?
I know you say you were in a haze. But I never pushed you as a matter of fact I kept pushing away. You would shut down and I was okay with that. Then you would get upset and say that you cared about me. I feel you pushed me into telling you that I had fallen in love with you. You stated to me that actions speak louder than words. That me showing up to see you showed I cared. Then you threw that in my face. Acting like I was a stalker by coming to see you. If my memory serves me correctly, I never just showed up without you wanting me there. I am a good listener and I act on what I hear. I thought I was showing you how much you meant to me by coming to see you.
You said you needed you alone time I never interfered in that. You say I say hurtful things, which confuses me a bit I thought you wanted an honest and transparent relationship. I never intend to hurt people with what I say. When I have said hurtful things you could tell me so I can better myself and be more conscious of what and how I say things. You kept telling me that you are there for me. Then when I shared I was down you said that I am never happy. That was one of the things I loved about you is that you wanted to be transparent. Now it seems you only wanted to be transparent when it suited you. You refuse to discuss things with me.
It seems you never cared for me. You tell me that you want to be friends but it seems you have a hard time being in the same room as me. I have tried to be your friend but you keep pushing away.
Why did you want me here? You told me that first week that we would see if it would work out between us. I was patient and allowed you to work through you depression. Then 5 months later you tell me your not interested, eluding to the fact after all that had happened. What happened? You've never given me a straight answer. It's hard to believe that you won't tell because you don't want to hurt me because you have already ripped my heart out. I don't think you can do any more damage.
I was completely honest with you about how I felt and I thought I was getting the same in return.
You like to think of yourself as such a compassionate person. I think you lack the understanding of what it is to be that person.
You like to justify everything and what a cop out to say you were in a haze and can't remember asking me if I love you and telling me you love me. Asking me to be with you and move in with you. You are a very intelligent man and it hard for me to believe that.
You stated that you remember me saying I was going to move anyway, like that justifies what you did. If I had moved to Vegas without you declaring you love for me and wanting me to be with you I would have moved all my stuff. I only brought what I needed to share your home, not what I would have brought to set up my own home.
I asked you straight out at least 3 times if this is what you wanted and you said yes. The last time was after you called me and told me that you were really depressed and all you were doing was sitting in the computer and eating. I then text you if there was room in your life for me, to which you stated yes. Then you tried to say you meant the extra bedroom. Really I may be inexperienced in dating but I'm not that stupid why weren't you honest that day? Why didn't you just tell me that you didn't care for me? Why did you take that life changing decision out of my hands?
I know I am not perfect but it's hard for me to imagine someone loving you more than I did. But I suppose everyone feels that way when they truly love someone.
I was looking forward to discovering a relationship with you that was totally different than I had shared with Tim.
I felt so complete with you something I never thought I would feel again. I was excited to discover you.
It's hard to imagine being friends after everything that has happened. I don't think a friend would do to me what you did and have been continually doing.
Love, how do you know if you love someone?
Upon reflection this is what I came up with.
Part of loving someone is loving how they make you feel.
Safe and protected
Desirable
Cherished
Important
Worth their time
Like I mattered
Special
Beautiful
Smart
Sexy
What I miss.
Looking into your eyes and seeing what I thought was love
Holding your hand
The feel of your skin
Hugging, being held by someone you thought cared
Sharing my day
Sharing my thoughts
Being acknowledged
Hearing that you care in your voice
Just having conversation with someone who understands me
Hearing you laugh
Hearing you sing
Liking the same music
exploring/trying new things
Your confidence
Your smile
Your eyes
The look in your eyes when we kiss.
What hurts now
Feeling that you don't even care
You have no time for me
That you don't want to be in the same room as me
That you must think I'm the biggest fool to have opened up so completely
That I lost a friend
Feeling I'm in the way
Feeling confused why you weren't just honest about how you felt
Hearing you Laugh
You trying to make it seem like I should have known
Feeling that you mislead me
Feeling a fool for being mislead
They way you justify everything
Seeing you smile at/about me
Learning that you were only transparent when it suited your needs
What's hard now
Trying to not feel hurt
Trying not to love even with all the hurt
Listening to you justifying everything
Your remembering half truths
Your telling me that you haven't wanted me from the beginning
That I scared you from the start but you still continued with me
That there is no way I could love you because I don't know you
Realizing that you really did not love me
Trying to understand what was in it for you
Coming to terms with how cold hearted you have to be to do this
Realizing what I poor judge of character I was
Feeling like you must really dislike me
Feeling humiliated
Why do you dislike me?
I know you say you were in a haze. But I never pushed you as a matter of fact I kept pushing away. You would shut down and I was okay with that. Then you would get upset and say that you cared about me. I feel you pushed me into telling you that I had fallen in love with you. You stated to me that actions speak louder than words. That me showing up to see you showed I cared. Then you threw that in my face. Acting like I was a stalker by coming to see you. If my memory serves me correctly, I never just showed up without you wanting me there. I am a good listener and I act on what I hear. I thought I was showing you how much you meant to me by coming to see you.
You said you needed you alone time I never interfered in that. You say I say hurtful things, which confuses me a bit I thought you wanted an honest and transparent relationship. I never intend to hurt people with what I say. When I have said hurtful things you could tell me so I can better myself and be more conscious of what and how I say things. You kept telling me that you are there for me. Then when I shared I was down you said that I am never happy. That was one of the things I loved about you is that you wanted to be transparent. Now it seems you only wanted to be transparent when it suited you. You refuse to discuss things with me.
It seems you never cared for me. You tell me that you want to be friends but it seems you have a hard time being in the same room as me. I have tried to be your friend but you keep pushing away.
Why did you want me here? You told me that first week that we would see if it would work out between us. I was patient and allowed you to work through you depression. Then 5 months later you tell me your not interested, eluding to the fact after all that had happened. What happened? You've never given me a straight answer. It's hard to believe that you won't tell because you don't want to hurt me because you have already ripped my heart out. I don't think you can do any more damage.
I was completely honest with you about how I felt and I thought I was getting the same in return.
You like to think of yourself as such a compassionate person. I think you lack the understanding of what it is to be that person.
You like to justify everything and what a cop out to say you were in a haze and can't remember asking me if I love you and telling me you love me. Asking me to be with you and move in with you. You are a very intelligent man and it hard for me to believe that.
You stated that you remember me saying I was going to move anyway, like that justifies what you did. If I had moved to Vegas without you declaring you love for me and wanting me to be with you I would have moved all my stuff. I only brought what I needed to share your home, not what I would have brought to set up my own home.
I asked you straight out at least 3 times if this is what you wanted and you said yes. The last time was after you called me and told me that you were really depressed and all you were doing was sitting in the computer and eating. I then text you if there was room in your life for me, to which you stated yes. Then you tried to say you meant the extra bedroom. Really I may be inexperienced in dating but I'm not that stupid why weren't you honest that day? Why didn't you just tell me that you didn't care for me? Why did you take that life changing decision out of my hands?
I know I am not perfect but it's hard for me to imagine someone loving you more than I did. But I suppose everyone feels that way when they truly love someone.
I was looking forward to discovering a relationship with you that was totally different than I had shared with Tim.
I felt so complete with you something I never thought I would feel again. I was excited to discover you.
It's hard to imagine being friends after everything that has happened. I don't think a friend would do to me what you did and have been continually doing.
Love, how do you know if you love someone?
Upon reflection this is what I came up with.
Part of loving someone is loving how they make you feel.
Safe and protected
Desirable
Cherished
Important
Worth their time
Like I mattered
Special
Beautiful
Smart
Sexy
What I miss.
Looking into your eyes and seeing what I thought was love
Holding your hand
The feel of your skin
Hugging, being held by someone you thought cared
Sharing my day
Sharing my thoughts
Being acknowledged
Hearing that you care in your voice
Just having conversation with someone who understands me
Hearing you laugh
Hearing you sing
Liking the same music
exploring/trying new things
Your confidence
Your smile
Your eyes
The look in your eyes when we kiss.
What hurts now
Feeling that you don't even care
You have no time for me
That you don't want to be in the same room as me
That you must think I'm the biggest fool to have opened up so completely
That I lost a friend
Feeling I'm in the way
Feeling confused why you weren't just honest about how you felt
Hearing you Laugh
You trying to make it seem like I should have known
Feeling that you mislead me
Feeling a fool for being mislead
They way you justify everything
Seeing you smile at/about me
Learning that you were only transparent when it suited your needs
What's hard now
Trying to not feel hurt
Trying not to love even with all the hurt
Listening to you justifying everything
Your remembering half truths
Your telling me that you haven't wanted me from the beginning
That I scared you from the start but you still continued with me
That there is no way I could love you because I don't know you
Realizing that you really did not love me
Trying to understand what was in it for you
Coming to terms with how cold hearted you have to be to do this
Realizing what I poor judge of character I was
Feeling like you must really dislike me
Feeling humiliated
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