Why do I still feel this way? Why do I still want to cut?
So like I mentioned in my older post, I’ve done the surgery, I got accepted for a full time program, and I should be starting an internship for the summer soon. I should be happy, thankful, not stressed, and have fun, which part of me is. A part of me is really happy about all of that, but a part of me still feels pain, suffocation, scared, and alone. I don’t know why I feel this way.
I always thought that if I got accepted and lost weight that everything would just automatically be better, but I don’t think it works that way anymore. I don’t know, I kept thinking getting in would make my parents proud and losing the weight would make me feel better about myself, but I still have all the feelings I had a month ago. I still constantly feel alone even when I’m surrounded by people, I still feel like I don’t matter, like I’m a burden I don't know why. And it sucks to keep feeling this way because these are the feelings that led me to start cutting, and I’ve managed to not cut since like January and I don’t want to go back to cutting but all these feelings just make me think about it more and more.
I’m already having a really tough time hiding the scars I have on my wrists from my family and everyone else. My parents hate the bracelets I wear to hide the scars, I keep saying I don’t want to take’m off, but eventually I’m going to have to for several reasons. I’m going to a resort with a few high school friends soon (must take them off at least while tanning/swimming) & I cannot wear them with formal clothes. All the formal bracelets I could find were thin and don’t cover all the scars.
So basically, I still don’t feel so comfortable being home but I was glad I was here for the surgery instead of going through the surgery alone and I’m glad I got to tell my parents about getting into university in person. I know I should be really happy and thankful about everything going on, but I feel out of place, just like I do everywhere else.
I always thought that if I got accepted and lost weight that everything would just automatically be better, but I don’t think it works that way anymore. I don’t know, I kept thinking getting in would make my parents proud and losing the weight would make me feel better about myself, but I still have all the feelings I had a month ago. I still constantly feel alone even when I’m surrounded by people, I still feel like I don’t matter, like I’m a burden I don't know why. And it sucks to keep feeling this way because these are the feelings that led me to start cutting, and I’ve managed to not cut since like January and I don’t want to go back to cutting but all these feelings just make me think about it more and more.
I’m already having a really tough time hiding the scars I have on my wrists from my family and everyone else. My parents hate the bracelets I wear to hide the scars, I keep saying I don’t want to take’m off, but eventually I’m going to have to for several reasons. I’m going to a resort with a few high school friends soon (must take them off at least while tanning/swimming) & I cannot wear them with formal clothes. All the formal bracelets I could find were thin and don’t cover all the scars.
So basically, I still don’t feel so comfortable being home but I was glad I was here for the surgery instead of going through the surgery alone and I’m glad I got to tell my parents about getting into university in person. I know I should be really happy and thankful about everything going on, but I feel out of place, just like I do everywhere else.
Replies
Depression and feelings of anxiety don\'t go away magically. No matter what you look like or what you achieve, your inner pain and scars will remain until you work on them. Find a friend you can confide in. When you\'re ready, open up about your cutting to your family. True healing can\'t happen until you come clean to them. You will feel so much better one the truth is out in the open...then they will give you the support and guidance you need. That\'s what friends and family are for. We are all the way we are for a reason...if change is what we seek, then the inner problems/sources must be dealt with. Yes, it is hard but aren\'t you worth it? Yes!! Take care.
I can never tell my family. If I do they\'ll never let me go back to Toronto and that will be the worst possible thing for me.
And my friends I\'m worried that they\'ll think I\'m crazy.
Hang in there. I hope that you\'re able to find the answers you\'re looking for.