why do i punish myself

why do i punish myself. Why do i expect things to change. I think the talk of maybe getting back together was just talk. I don't think that he wants me. we keep hanging out with my son but i think that he is just trying to include me. It hurts to see him love on my son and hug him and do the things he use to do to me to show affection. why do i keep putting myself through this. I just want him to love me again. I want our lives back. I know we had issues and both of us were at fault but i want my husband back. I don't want to hurt anymore, i don't want to be rejected anymore. I can't go no contact because of my son. I want to stop loving him and wishing that he would love me back. why can't i stop loving him why do i keep crying over him and the loss of our relationship. I want my marriage to work but its not going to and i keep waiting for him to come back and he wont he won't even talk to me about it. if i do its like i am begging him to come back and as much as i would love him to I don't want to beg. I have to bottle up my feelings I have no one to listen to me about them and he should hear how i feel but i can't tell him either. I feel so alone and lost and don't know what i am doing. I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to cry anymore i don't want to be sad i want my life back i want to be happy again and not in this pain that keeps pulling me under when i least expect it.