Why do i feel this way?

I’m really happy that I’ve done the dive into having this Scottish experience. It's galvanized my passion for life experience both big and small mindfully in my days. If that makes sense. I’ve
been feeling more and more grounded in my life and I am awakening to a long sleeping side of myself of enjoying my days and life and the ability to dream and live out my dreams while working here at the monastery. I love that my job does not kill the dreamer in me. I've developed the ability while working at something unpleasant in my days here to be able to go into dream mode and not terrorized by stress induced anxiety and fractures and unknowing. Now I'm here in my room tonight, drank some tea while sitting on my bed with Blue, listening to the radio. I've very much lost the interest to drink alcohol or to be in an altered state. Again I'm enjoying my days. Part of this journal comes after a day of accepting the brittleness that can happen with the relationships here at the monastery. There's a mix of love, friction, understanding and athleticism to this life. Everyone is so caught up in near constant activity with an emphasis on precision. I'm getting used to it still and today it felt like, when I looked back over recent days, that it's like playing a team sport every day, nearl 24/7. Same fun and excitement and individual sense of adding to the picture as a whole. It's good to have time to reclaim my life at the end of the day, like now, but that would suggest I'm not enjoying my work, I enjoy some and not others, so I will say it's great to reflect on life and make plans at the end of the day like I'm doing now. I still try to associate who or what I'm like, including in regards to my life in the grand scheme. Maybe that comes from deep insecurity or vulnerability. I want to be safe. I want to be ok. I want to be successful and I want to be reassured. I can't live my life outside of my life or having it both ways or my cake and eat it too. It's all good. Right now is my time to wonder. Soon I'll get to bed and start the whole process again tomorrow. Sending big hugs, Mark