Why do I feel this way?
Well, I thought I was doing so well....guess not! I met my H for lunch yesterday which was great. However, I was feeling somewhat blue already before I met him. We met in a central location so that we could leave one car and ride together. Sounds great, huh! Until he asked me to ride in his car. I couldn't get in it for the life of me. I couldn't get the mental image of him screwing her in it. I told him I could not ride with him. He noticed that and said he was sorry but I still see them together. Anyway, lunch was good and we enjoyed spending some time together alone without our kids but he noticed that I was subdued. I told him that I was just having a bad day. But, hey, he noticed! I am supposed to feel better, right? That is supposed to make it better, right? But I just couldn't shake the blues and the feeling that I wanted to cry uncontrollably. Later that evening we took our kids to the AT&T store to get them new phones for Christmas. My H also wanted to upgrade his. He got the new IPHONE (latest and greatest 32 g) and the kids picked out theirs. He tried to get me to upgrade my phone but here is my dilema. If I upgrade to another BlackBerry or the IPhone, we would have to pay an additional $30 a month in service (which we can ill afford right now) or I could pick one of the other texting phones. I felt that I would be DOWNGRADING since I have BB Curve now. What could I do? I felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. I felt really ripped off. Here everyone is getting what they wanted and yes I would have liked the new IPhone or BB Bold but I can't justify the $30 extra a month. I just can't!!!! Oh H said...get it if you want but all I can hear from him is what he has said for the last 6 months..."we can't afford this or that" or "if we didn't have this to pay, we would be ok"!!! How could I then add another $30 to our bills...How could I? So, there I am, feeling left out and alone while they are all getting new Christmas presents and all happy but I want to cry. This is not the first time that I have walked away from a store or stores without while the 3 of them get what they want. WTF!!! Do I not have any feelings or wants? Do they not see that it hurts me to be so left out. I am always last in their eyes. Always last to do for. Always an afterthought! I know that it is just material things. I know that it should mean nothing to me. But for him to make me feel so bad about things, this just hurt.
Replies
I\'m so sorry slwaite. It\'s just not right that you have to experience this. Just not fair. The car incident must have been awful. It\'s completely normal that you would feel like this. You need to allow yourself to feel whatever you\'re feeling. Just make sure that you remember, over time, to keep trying to think thoughts that can make you feel better so that you\'re moving in the right direction (towards happiness). Look for things in your current experience that you can be happy about or grateful for. I read somewhere yesterday the saying \"things could be worse\" and I find it helps me to realise that in amongst all this yuckiness, things could in fact be worse and there are some things I have to be grateful for.
You\'re the one being responsible here, being committed to your marriage, being mindful of how money is being spent. You\'re a good person and will come through this and life will be rosier. Hang in there.
SLWAITE,
I get the whole car thing. My wifes car was the scene of her lasting affair. Every time I am in it I get angry and sick to my stomach. I wish the car was able to be traded I would trade in my wifes Grand Prix GT for a GEO if I could . (LETS SEE HER HAVE SEX IN THAT ) but I have to make piece with the car just as I have to with her. NOw as far as the cell phone issue. Now I respect you very much you are a strong person and your journalsare very incitefull and help me a great deal but this is what I see. Your husband did not give to himself and the kids and exclude you. You for what I feel are very good reasons chose not to upgrade. Your husband tried to offer you an upgrade and tried to include you. You have to choose to include yourself and to allow yourself to be happy. If you make the decision that it isnt right at this time own that decision, it is yours you made it for yourself and be happy with the fact that you thought of the bottom line first and not that you were excluded. Now this is just my humble opinion take it for what its worth. Only u can make yourself happy and content . God bless you and I hope you stay strong and smile you are worth it. today I am trying to use the old saying that I find comfort in. \" yesterday is history tomorrow a mystery , to is a gift that is why we call it the present \" I hope you enjoy your present.
Ok, I do get it. I think my problem is that as he was telling me to upgrade, he was also telling me that we really could not afford the extra. So, see why I was having such a problem with it.
As for the rest, I am taking it day by day.
Hey...totally understand the car thing too. My H and his slut would go in his or her car if they didn\'t hve enough time to go to her house. It makes me so sick. There will be times when I\'ll be in his car and I\'ll want to literally kick him out of his seat and throw him on the side of the road. Did u ever see the commercial where the girl breaks up w/ a guy and then throws him out of the moving car? That\'s would I\'d like to do. Ugh...the whole thing is so sickening. Sorry to vent. Just wanted to let you know that I totally understand and you\'re not alone.
I haven\'t rode in his car since I found out about the affair. We always take mine. I just can\'t seem to bring myself to ride in it. I look at his car and can\'t help but think \"Bitch\"!
As for the phone thing and walking away from somewhere empty-handed, well I always come last financially. If we go clothes shopping, it is hard for me to find clothes that fit me (don\'t ask) and they stand around looking all \"pained\" while they wait on me. If I want something new for the house or kitchen, I hear \"we can\'t really afford that\" from him. I just can\'t seem to catch a break in regards to that. But I did pick out the ring I wanted. I wanted to be happy with it. He wanted me happy with it also.
Now, if I could just get that damn car sold. LOL :-)
I would be extremely happy to no have to look at it every day.
His car is up for sale! Anyone interested in a 2007 Sequoia?