why do I do this to myself

On Saturday, I had my boss's wedding to go to. It was a stretch of my comfort

levels to socialize with an almost totally new group of people.

The service at the church was nice and then I went over to the banquet hall for the celebration.

I sat down next to one person who I kind of know and get along with.

But I was sitting there and my anxiety and fear was building up - I almost wasn't so self

aware, I was just feeling fight or flight - with nothing much to talk about

or add to the conversation - I am out of practice - and the person I knew was there, with her girlfriend

and so they had each other. (I want to also add that there were armed policemen

there providing security for the event - it kind of spooked me too.)

Long and the short of it - I decided to leave - I just

had lost my sense of coping. I said good bye to Brianna and her gf - and then

I went to the General Manager's table and said good bye to her and the cake

decorator - whom I also work with. She asked me why I was leaving so early.

She's always busting me for doing something awkward. I said I was tired

and feeling not so good. Which was true - without going into details with her -

then I met the department Baker hanging out at the front of the hall and he said

"where are you going so early??" - I said to him as well that "I am tired and not feeling great"

Anyways - It's past 2 days since then - it's now Monday, and I am starting to

ruminate about it. I worked hard this morning

for my parents and then came home. I'll go back to work tomorrow at the market...

As I got home about and hour ago, since then - it's like I've been nitpicking myself

for the little details of my social failing, feeling with my parents, when I visited them today

and then also with my boss at her wedding. I don't know if this negativity is my way

of validating myself when alone. But I do think I am not alone in this. I don't know

why I do it?!!! What do I expect from myself?! I am not a cartoon and any kind of mistake

and seemingly character flaw shouldn't trigger self ruminating.

I think I've kind of talked about it before - those feelings that make you wince - of experiences

past by - but then you have to keep moving forward.

It makes me think of that scene in the film "Emma" with Gywneth Paltrow - when she

commits a social faux pas and an act of bad character - and her friend chastizes her

saying something like 'I am upset with you for what you have done, badly done!...but I

do still hope that you will do better in the future..." I liked the compassion for something like this.

I hope to hold on to this as well. It helps to have vented....