Why do i do this to myself

It has been a while now that I have known about his dating profile. I still remember the day I found it. I made that profile because I wanted to quiet that thought in my head. I wanted to show myself that I was crazy and that of course he wouldn't be on this site. I made a silly fake profile in order to search for him with 100% certainty he would NOT be on it. The moment I saw his smiling picture on that site I feel I actually froze. It took me a moment to gather myself. I started to cry right away. Not a few tears but uncontrollable sobbing, the kind of crying where you have to remind yourself to actually take  a breath. I have been hurt before , of course I have felt pain something about this was a knife through my heart it was devastating. Ever since I found this profile I cant seem to stop looking. What does it do for me to see this? We are not together anymore. He is free to be with anyone he wants. I have no claims over him and I cant tell him what to do with his life. He isn't doing anything behind my back, I don't have the right to feel to betrayed. It isn't as if I am with him and I stumbled upon this or that he was even cheating on me. My emotions feel too extreme for the situation. I know him well enough to know he doesn't like to be alone. Did I expect him to sit alone at home?

He isn't sad, he isn't hurting, he isn't feeling anything. He is out with other women. taking them on dates. Laughing and enjoying dinners and getting to know people. It wont be long before he meets someone. He is very attractive, he has an excellent career, why one earth would he stay single for long? I just know that soon enough he will have someone in his life I just feel it. I don't even know what that is going to do to me. I sometimes look at his dating profile and reread what he has written. "He wants marriage and kids and a family." I offered all of those things but he didn't want them. who is he ? reading his profile I don't even know anymore.

I need to find a way to let this go. I have stopped calling him or texting him on my own I don't ask to see him and I have mostly stayed away. Yet this trying to see what he is doing is only damaging to me. No matter how many times I look it cant change the fact that he is going to continue to meet other women. He didn't really love me. Maybe that is what is truly hard to accept. If he did, he would be here fighting to fix things with me he would not be looking for an out and an easier path with someone else. I didn't want to accept or believe this but this is the truth.