Why did I quit?

I quit because I wanted to avoid consequences. I got high behind the wheel and I didn't want to get caught. I didn't think my alcoholism and drug use were really a problem, but I didn't want the consequences of a DUI. I went to NA at first, thinking pot was my only problem. Then I realized pills were also an issue, too, after I used them the first night I went to NA. Well, maybe. I don't know exactly when I realized pills were an issue, but I do know that I took opiates after my first night in NA. I thought I was in enough pain for them, but I wasn't.

That person, the old me, was unable to be honest. I still don't know if I am able to be honest but I am trying. Most of the time I don't think my alcohol use was a problem even though I would do things like bring a bottle mixed with Mt. Dew and a shot of alcohol to class in college, mixed alcohol and pills to the point of almost killing myself more than once, split a punch bowl full of alcohol and juice with my mom (and probably drank more, I don't remember how much I drank that night but I didn't black out), etc. In my old journal which I still need to go through some more, I wouldn't even write the word "alcohol" because I was so scared of being an alcoholic. That does not sound like a normal drinker to me.

Still, I don't see myself as having a drinking problem most days. I just do the AA program and work the steps because I know it's the right thing to do. I don't think I'm doing step 1 right, though. I haven't fully conceeded that I am an alcoholic or addict. When I relapsed, I did and saw myself on every page of the Big Book. Then, arrogance slowly creeped in again and I lost my humility. I "only" have 6 months and 15 days, but that was enough for me to lose my humility. I say "only" because I got my pride back already, not because that's not a long time in sobriety for those that struggle with it.

This time, this sobriety, it was easier. Last time around it was a fight, tooth and nail, to stay sober. This time I've let go and let God take control, so I thought, but I'm not so sure now. I think I'm running on my own steam and arrogance. That's the wrong way to do sobriety and I will relapse again if that is the case.

I pray, and I started going to church again. I can feel my hard heart starting to beat for the first time in a long time. I have a sense of self-love and peace that I haven't felt in a long time. But I am getting closer and closer to relapse if I don't get honest with myself and my sponsor. I'm going to share this with them, copy and paste the link and text it. I am doing my 4th step, and last time I relapsed I was doing my 4th/5th step.

I am discontent, despite having more self-love and peace. One of my character defect patterns is that I turn my self-hatred outward onto others and blame them. Over and over again, I turn my own discomfort and self-hate into anger towards others, even in sobriety. I am constantly looking for a new sponsor, despite having had so many of them, being fired and firing them. There is nothing wrong with my sponsor, they are good. It is *my* discontent that leads me to be upset with everyone and everything. I am constantly pulling geographics, moving here and there, getting kicked out of sober living for fighting or kicking people out of apartments I'm living in. I can never be happy until I am happy with myself. That can only come from a power greater than me.