Why am I still here?
I'm home alone and crying. Depressed is like barely scratching the surface of how I feel. I have no friends. Nobody gives a fuck about me. I woke up this morning thinking about killing myself. I miss having hopes and dreams. I miss having interests in anything; music, writing, acting, photography, anything. Every day I wake up, shuffle over to the couch, watch TV, eat, look for jobs, then go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. I can't believe my life sucks so much. I can't believe what a total fucking friendless idiot loser I am. I think one of the things that hurts the most is that I used to be different. When I was a teenager I had a million cool friends, I liked to act in school plays, I loved to write, I felt funky and cool. I felt smart and like I was gonna go somewhere in life. Life wasn't perfect but when I had bad times, I was kept afloat by hope and friends. Now I have lost those things. Now that I'm almost 30 I look back on the past, say, 15 years, and just marvel at how stagnant my life has been since then. I am in shock that I've gotten so old without accomplishing a single fucking thing. No license, no school...I can't even ride a fucking bike. And I'm almost 30. I am so angry and pathetic. There's nothing I can do except cry over what might have been. Oh and procrastinate my housework...I get to do dishes, take out the trash, clean the cat box, do laundry, and vacuum. This is what my life is now. Please God just fucking kill me. I'm done. I don't want to be alive anymore. There's no hope, no purpose, no joy.