why am i still here?

 I have contempt for myself and contempt for my life. I am not a good person. I pretend to be. I sometimes think I may evolve into a good person but for the most part it's a joke. I don't know how I developed so much contempt for myself. I believe I am a horrible human being. I think I am a mistake that God regrets with embarrassment. When I was created,  a relationship with God was never supposed to be a part of it. I was one of God's intended mistakes. A soul that God would have to deal with. That's why I am the way I am and that's why I can never better myself no matter how hard i try. I don't hate myself b'se i  don't feel worthy of hatred. I feel worthless. i hope things can get better. I don't believe I have the strength to pull myself out of my self loathing .It has never worked before no matter how many times I've tried