Why am i here???? part 1
I am gonna type this here for right now but i might put it in a few groups to see if i fit in
Why am i here, i cant start with what brought me here in the first place since i have come to realize my issues started way before my daughter was diagnosed with what she has.
I was abandoned by my real father at 6 months old, he decided alcohol was more important than a family. my mother and i moved around alot, between regular houses of our own or back to my grandparents since my grandfather was ill and my grandmother needed help taking care of him. i was very close with my grandmother and grandfather, back then. mostly my grandfather who had his leg amputated and was bed ridden, i was a kid with alot of dreams and aspirations even though i was 6. This was the 70's . when i turned 6 besides living my life without a father, my life began to take the downward spiral that would beset it for the next 20 years. we lived with my grandparents at the time and i was sleeping upstairs, when my grandfather walked up the stairs and said to me i love you and i will see you again soon. two problems with this my grandfather walked and came up the stairs, suddenly i woke up and every light in the house was on and he was dead downstairs. had i just seen his ghost saying goodbye to me, to this day i say i did. that following summer blow two to my life came, i went for the summer to visit family at the beach, i had 3 uncles all living in the same area in another state. thats when it happened, i was abused by a cousin, for some reason i dont know why most of what happened was blocked from my memory i dont know what i remembered and did not at the time. all i knew was i began to develop a inadequate self worth about myself feelingi was not worth anything. also that next year, my real father decided he wanted to see me, and my mom would not let him. so he told my mom that he would kidnap me to see me then so here i am 7 and someone i dont know what they look like has said he is going to try and abduct me. not sure if he could not just find me or what but nothing ever came of it. i was now a nerdy geeky type who everyone picked on and bullyed. i was beat up more times than i can count by anyone and everyone, i became reclusive and felt more like i deserved it than ever. kids i hung around with called it a daily beating, and everyday they did it worse and worse. i had friends that i used to have that were awesome but i did not feel worthy of them. i felt it was my place to get this punishment. i could not even begin to tell ou stories of what happened to me back then, butr i remember the worst was they put change in a toaster then put them on me, that was pain. i never had girlfriends no one liked me. i stayed in this pattern of living for over 10 years not only with my so called friends but anyone who did not like me i was tackled once by a football player in full uniform through a set of lockers. anyhow, this is getting long winded. fast forward to when i was about 27 now the night that made me turn all the rage inside loose and get my life back. i was working full time, and a friend of a friend needed a place to live so we got an apartment together, this guy was a drug addict, but he payed his bills and worked anyhow long story short a mutual friend of both of ours fiance started running her mouth about his drug dealers and somehow someway, it got to them that i was saying all this stuff, one night after work i went out for a couple beers with coworkers, when i came home both of his dealers were waiting for me, began asking me why i said the shit i said and everything. i insisted i said nothing cause i did not, anyway they beat me to a bloody pulp no my own front porch, one stepped on my face i had a giant boot impression on it. while the other one just pummelled me. i was a mess, on the porch i crawled up into my room and went to bed, next day when my roommate saw he just said what happened, i said your little buddies did this and you can tell them from me, that i will be seeing them again. i never saw them again my roommate moved out and i moved back to the town i grew up in. i did run into both those guys a few years later at a bar, but did not want to start trouble in a bar i was not familar with. but from that day they beat me i promised myself i would never be a victim agaain of any bullshit. and i have kept true to my word for the most part.
anyhow my past created another problem that afflicts me still today, due to most of my beatings coming at the hands of men, i dont feel comfortable being around men, due to the beatings and the abuse at the hands of my cousin.
Why am i here, i cant start with what brought me here in the first place since i have come to realize my issues started way before my daughter was diagnosed with what she has.
I was abandoned by my real father at 6 months old, he decided alcohol was more important than a family. my mother and i moved around alot, between regular houses of our own or back to my grandparents since my grandfather was ill and my grandmother needed help taking care of him. i was very close with my grandmother and grandfather, back then. mostly my grandfather who had his leg amputated and was bed ridden, i was a kid with alot of dreams and aspirations even though i was 6. This was the 70's . when i turned 6 besides living my life without a father, my life began to take the downward spiral that would beset it for the next 20 years. we lived with my grandparents at the time and i was sleeping upstairs, when my grandfather walked up the stairs and said to me i love you and i will see you again soon. two problems with this my grandfather walked and came up the stairs, suddenly i woke up and every light in the house was on and he was dead downstairs. had i just seen his ghost saying goodbye to me, to this day i say i did. that following summer blow two to my life came, i went for the summer to visit family at the beach, i had 3 uncles all living in the same area in another state. thats when it happened, i was abused by a cousin, for some reason i dont know why most of what happened was blocked from my memory i dont know what i remembered and did not at the time. all i knew was i began to develop a inadequate self worth about myself feelingi was not worth anything. also that next year, my real father decided he wanted to see me, and my mom would not let him. so he told my mom that he would kidnap me to see me then so here i am 7 and someone i dont know what they look like has said he is going to try and abduct me. not sure if he could not just find me or what but nothing ever came of it. i was now a nerdy geeky type who everyone picked on and bullyed. i was beat up more times than i can count by anyone and everyone, i became reclusive and felt more like i deserved it than ever. kids i hung around with called it a daily beating, and everyday they did it worse and worse. i had friends that i used to have that were awesome but i did not feel worthy of them. i felt it was my place to get this punishment. i could not even begin to tell ou stories of what happened to me back then, butr i remember the worst was they put change in a toaster then put them on me, that was pain. i never had girlfriends no one liked me. i stayed in this pattern of living for over 10 years not only with my so called friends but anyone who did not like me i was tackled once by a football player in full uniform through a set of lockers. anyhow, this is getting long winded. fast forward to when i was about 27 now the night that made me turn all the rage inside loose and get my life back. i was working full time, and a friend of a friend needed a place to live so we got an apartment together, this guy was a drug addict, but he payed his bills and worked anyhow long story short a mutual friend of both of ours fiance started running her mouth about his drug dealers and somehow someway, it got to them that i was saying all this stuff, one night after work i went out for a couple beers with coworkers, when i came home both of his dealers were waiting for me, began asking me why i said the shit i said and everything. i insisted i said nothing cause i did not, anyway they beat me to a bloody pulp no my own front porch, one stepped on my face i had a giant boot impression on it. while the other one just pummelled me. i was a mess, on the porch i crawled up into my room and went to bed, next day when my roommate saw he just said what happened, i said your little buddies did this and you can tell them from me, that i will be seeing them again. i never saw them again my roommate moved out and i moved back to the town i grew up in. i did run into both those guys a few years later at a bar, but did not want to start trouble in a bar i was not familar with. but from that day they beat me i promised myself i would never be a victim agaain of any bullshit. and i have kept true to my word for the most part.
anyhow my past created another problem that afflicts me still today, due to most of my beatings coming at the hands of men, i dont feel comfortable being around men, due to the beatings and the abuse at the hands of my cousin.
Replies
So sorry that happened to you.