Whoooo....
My dear friends, I see your hugs. Bless you. I will come back and read them I promise and catch up on journals too.
I have been keeping an emotional log and was pleased to note that I made it through the month of June with 0 depressed days. Some days I had to work at it, but that is such and improvement.
But you know the way of life... it has a way of testing you.
We went back to court for my son this week. The child development agency recommended that I be totally stripped of my parental rights and my son be made a ward of the state. (whoooo!) The judge overruled it and gave custody to my Aunt. But if there is ever any conflict the state will simply revoke that and take my child. I will be allowed no contact.
I begged the judge to allow me the option to have the situation reviewed when I am in a better position. The conditions she laid out are as follows:
1) I am to be medically certified as fit
2) I am to be psychologically certified as fit
3) I am to have another adult living in the household.
I am 46 years old and except for my child, the only persons I have lived with for more than a year are college roomates. Now with CFS and all our wonderful sensitivities I don't even have a housekeeper because dealing with other people's energy is so stressful.
I cannot be medically certified. I cannot undergo treatments when I am living alone because I cannot take care of myself when I am crashed and meds always crash me. I cannot work when I am on medication. I cannot afford treatment if I cannot work. I do not qualify for disability.
For the next three years I have no say in my child's life.
Whooooooo!
This all happened Monday and of course I broke down in court and bawled my eyes out. The real impact of it hit on Tuesday. Boy that was a rough day. Lots of tears. But I'm getting through it (and have blessedly not returned to that dark place).
I am holding on to God so tightly..he MUST come through for me. I don't know how but he must.
Did I mention I had written a second book. Perhaps I should stop, it seems the bottom falls out of my world with each book. LOL.
On the positive side my two sisters drove 3 hours again to be by my side in court. Then they took me out and bought groceries for me. How can I express what a blessing this was, because I know both of them cannot afford it. I know the expense of the trip and the cost of food is a significant chunk of their earnings. One even gave me some cash. The other bought my son pants for his internship. My heart overflows...
The other good news is my son was awarded a summer internship which is quite an honor because only top students earn these. He scored highly in biology and is working in a vet's office for the next few weeks (hence the need for special pants, scooping poop is not exactly easy on the duds).
I am blessing my aunt right now for taking my son. The state was determiend to put him in a home and had my sister and my aunt, even his temporary guardian not fought for him, my child would be lost to me right now.
So I hold on to these things. These are the blessings, these are the acts of grace. These are the basis of hope.
Got some heavy duty meditating and affirming and praying to go do. This is changing, this must change, there must be good in this. Things will be better...they must...they must.
Replies
Wow, this is a lot. I'm glad your son will not be taken away from your family. I can understand that you can't be deemed physically fit. The situation is very dire. If it were not for my husband, I would be in the same place. I haven't been able to get disability and I can't work. So, I have to depend on others. I'm so glad you have your sisters and that they are willing to help some. It's sad that you can't work when you have so much you could offer, but I totally get it. If you tried to work, you would crash and probably end up bedridden. I'm glad to hear of the second book. I know what you mean about the opposition ramping up every time you do something positive. I used to do Healing Care Groups and, without fail, something horrible would happen to me. Once, I got in an accident and the car was totaled. I was lucky to walk away with my life. My worst injury was that half of face was burned by the chemicals in the air bag. Fortunately the skin grew back. I tell my hubby I look 10 years younger on that side because I got "chemical peel." Anyway, I digress. The point is that writing a book puts you in opposition to the Enemy and he will retaliate. But that dog is on a chain. He can only go so far. Sometimes it feels like he's allowed to go pretty darned far, doesn't it?
While your son is with your aunt, are you allowed to see him? I do hope you are. It would be terrible to not be able to see him. If you can keep in contact with him, your relationship with him will be in a better place when he becomes an adult. I am always shocked at how much has been taken from you. You are a fighter, Max. Never give in.
Love,
Heather
Max, this is so sad, you are so strong & dealing with it so well. Of course you will have meltdowns but don't look at them as a weakness, they will give you the strength to move forward. Your sisters were wonderful to be with you at this time & help you out. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't got disability, probably homeless. You have had so much going on in your life & need to spend some time taking care of yourself & doing your writing. It is definitely a good thing that your son is with your aunt, sad but of all the things that could have happened that is the best. You must be so proud of your son. Can you see him while he is with your aunt? Take care of yourself, gentle hugs, Denise