Who I am

Who am I?
I wonder who it is I take myself to be. I think I need to make it clear to myself.
I’m a fighter. I came from nothing and everything I have is from me- from my back, my blood sweat and tears. And that used to be okay. When did it stop being okay? I want compassion and companionship. Why has that desire made me lose my edge? Well- admitting that desire anyway- I think I’ve always wanted it. Maybe b/c I finally feel like I have something to lose. And it’s not money or something tangible that I can control- its people and emotion which I have absolutely no control over whatsoever. My whole life I’ve viewed people who need other people as weak. Whenever I showed signs of that I’d hate myself and beat myself up for it. Now I’m past that. I realize it’s human to need other people. I realize no one does it alone and I finally realize that it’s okay to ask for help. Those are all good things. Yet my drive seems to have diminished. Is my hunger gone? It’s not. I just let my loneliness get the best of me.
So who am I really? Who do I want to be? I’m a fighter. I help people who can’t help themselves. I work harder then most b/c I want success more than most. But I don’t define success the way I used to. Success to me means being happy now. And I finally believe I deserve happiness. I finally love myself. Now I just have to trust myself. I feel like I’m scared to show up b/c I’m scared that if I work as hard as I used to then I’m going to be as isolated as I used to be.   It doesn’t have to be that way. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. So from here on out I’m going to make a promise to myself. I’m going to work 8 hours a day. No matter what. I’m going to believe I deserve success- b/c I do. I’m going to believe that I can handle anything that comes my way- because I can. I always have. I’ve handled an alcoholic abusive father, raising myself and my brother, countless abuse from every man I’ve ever cared about – and I think I carry it with me still. I have to let it go. Today I’m letting go. My life is not bad. I’m alone. I’m broke. But I’m a lawyer. I’ve finished school. So I’m on my way to having an awesome career. In fact- I already do have an awesome career- I get to help people going through really hard times in their lives. I get to be the person that shows them compassion and understanding- what no one gave me. I get to give that to others. That’s a beautiful thing. And yes- I’m super broke. Like SUPER BROKE. But that’s just the residual outcome of my past. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today I am going to let go of yesterday and all of the beautiful self destruction that it held. And I’m going to become fearless again. I know its going to be okay.