WHO DECIDES OUR FATE---
My curiosity again---
Thinking back to when first married. Affection and sex were supposed to be a given from now on since I always had a live, loving spouse next to me. (or so I thought) Things were few and far between, but at that point it wasn't that big of a deal.
I realize now, after doing some work and examining myself and what I accepted (basically crumbs of affection, attention) I have come to the conclusion it is how I was brought up. I watched my Mom, Grandmothers , Aunts, and basically all of the women do the same thing. We are all taught to be loving, caring , nurturing women. This is a good thing, but on the flip side, when we do actually speak up and ask for help or admit we too have needs, that falls on deaf ears.
As I spoke with others, I was kind of informed as we grow older, sex is not as big of a deal. Many would tell me the times are few and far between and they really didn't care. So I accepted itas a way of life. Stbx would just go through the motions with nothing to look forward to. Then I started to chat with others who DO still want and need that . I did finally come to realize that I should NOT have to spend my whole life without so very many basic needs. I admitted and discovered my wants and needs. (And YES, the fact I was actually entitled , like the rest of the free world, to have them. ) I began (and continued endlessly) to share these with stbx.
We had a brief discussion this morning. Stbx says again--- I love you pookie bear (from that annoying commercial) I said "yeah, yeah. Translation--- where's my dinner? or did you clear a path in the snow to the car yet?"
He laughs and says "It's the way of the world dear."
My response. "No, it's the way to divorce court."
MY QUESTION to everyone...
When do we just resign ourselves to fate? To accept the fact that most (therefore i might as well too) over 50 aren't supposed to want or need sex ? Why do we have to make do wihout?
I don't want to. I missed out on so much, just want a chance to take a chance and feel what itmay be like to actually find someone who wants the same and share a healthy sex life (as well as other parts missing since I have yet to have a healthy relationship)Those who have faith and religion do believe to love honor and cherish til death us do part. (Who determines if those vows aren't fullfilled when it is acceptable to move on ? Or whether to even dare try again? Does one bad marriage mean a lifetime alone?
Replies
First of all Kim, "it' s not the way of the world." There are countries where couples in their 70's and 80's still have passionate sex. I'm 69 and I still desire sex.
To me, there is something wrong in this country. People look for excuses. When they start to lose the desire, they accept that as a part of life. To me that's quitting. They should care enough to talk to a doctor or nutritionist to find out what the problem is and try to fix it. I don't think we should ever resign ourselves to fate. I think that is just giving up.
We were made by God to have a healthy sex life with our spouse. That's why he created marriage.
IMHO, I feel when one spouse refuses to give affection and sexual attention to their spouse, that's breaking the marriage vows (honor and respect). To me, there are many aspects to those two words. The desire to make love and have sex with your spouse should never be denied in normal circumstances.
One bad marriage does not mean a lifetime of being alone. Just be patient in finding that right man who will love you, cherish you and give himself to you totally. I feel that a person that loves you with his whole heart and soul will give himself to you in every aspect of love and marriage.
Don't give up. There is someone good for you out there.
That is what I do also now believe, it is just there are so many (including those at the Divorce Care that I attended) that more or less try to adjust , compensate and grin and bare it. There is still somewhat of a stigma attached to divorce. it translates to you were not a good enough spouse to have or keep a good marriage (therefore, you never will ) It sucks.
Others have often told me (and I guess I need to listen) that it is not important what everyone else thinks, but what I need to come to believe... about myself, who I am , what I have to offer and that I do deserve to be happy. (and hopefully find another who also does want the same things. )
Kim. Please try.to understand.that what people.say and what they.do.is certainly not to be taken as Gospel...You do have people who are addicted.to sex...just as a smoker.alcoholic.or.druggy there addiction is.sex...They represent less than 2% of the.population. they include, voyeurs. Pettifiles rapists, molesters...none of the forementioned would be what your looking for..Hope you.dont.fall prey to one of them due ro frustration..
I don’t believe in fate. I believe in free will. If a marriage is bad, it’s not fate. It just a bad marriage. You aren’t fated to stay in a bad marriage.
Maybe the issue is simply you married a man with a low sex drive or who is not emotionally evolved. Maybe he was raised with screwed up ideas about marriage or women. Who knows.
I think this idea that there is stigma about divorce is antiquated. Half the married population divorces. I don’t think people who get divorced are not good enough to want it keep. Maybe people just marry the wrong person.
What I’m trying to say is that your husband or your marriage are not this curse, or destiny you are saddled with. Just like you chose him and the marriage, you can choose to leave him and the marriage as well.
I suspect not having affection and sex for so long has almost heightened the idea of it, probably made worse because you are so lonely in your marriage. You sound like you don’t like him at all and that’s ok. You don’t have to and by all accounts why would you. Remaining in a loveless marriage is far more disheartening to me than the absence of sex. Your husband is never going to give you what you need. That you think that’s fate sort of removes your decision making from the equation.
I think deep down I do still care about him, but there is so much anger and resentment built up because of how bad things have been for so very long. It isn't good for either of us. I am miserable (and as he sees-- a bitch) while he is oblivious and completely content. it does not matter how much I try to explain... in his eyes he is a good husband (He tells me now he loves me and he is home and never out cheating or running around--- like his dad did.) That is all there is to it .
If I do think about it, the "stigma" attached as well as the idea of it being a fate we are saddled with are both very old ideas that I have been surrounded by forever. Watching so many women "put up with "so much (or should I say so little?) and listening so hard to what others all think and say. I need to remember what you all keep telling me--- stop worrying about what others think or say--- just worry about what I believe is right and better for all concerned.
PS the lack of sex does bring on sex on the brain often, but I do realize I am not in for some quick kinky hook ups. I have looked into checking into Our Time (a dating site for over 50s who are local to me. ) would like to find someone interested in companionship and possibly more. Realizing even though I have missed alot, I am not gonna find it experimenting and bed hopping. Is not who I am or want to be. If I am lucky, I may find some of what has been missing with one special man--- not a half a dozen.
Your last two paragraphs say it all. Worry about what you believe is the right thing for you. You have a good attitude about what you’ve been through and what may come. You are very level-headed about sex and how the lack of intimacy has made you feel. I’m like you. Sex on the brain, but not looking for a fling. You’re headed in the right direction and I feel something good will happen for you.
Right. You can’t worry about what others think. If we all did, all of us would be living unfulfilled lives. I like that quote “what other people think of you is none of your business.” Their thoughts are about them not you. You have to be true to yourself so you can be happy. That is your job, to look out for you.
I hope nothing I said implied you were a person who’d sleep around. That was not what I meant so I’m sorry if I gave you that impression. I just meant it’s hard to not focus on that when you are in a marriage where there appears to be no physical or emotional intimacy at all.
I would try to ignore his stupid comments or at the very least not dignify them with a response. You can care about him as a human being but you are not required to continue to act in the capacity of his partner. I think when you do that it may confuse him into thinking it’s all good. It’s not all good. He needs to understand the state of his marriage and that you are not here to play along, so you can relieve yourself of some of that resentment.
I was married for 24 years . When we began having problems in the bedroom, I asked her to go to a professional with me. She refused. I was contemplating divorce like you are now but I was brought up Roman Catholic and raised to believe that marriage is until death due us part.
I was torn! Not sharing intimacy was slowly sucking the life out of me. I made an appointment to talk to my Parish Priest. I told him of my marital problems in the bedroom and his reply surprised me.It went against all I was taught in my 8 years of Catholic school. He told me, """It is the responsibility of each person in the marriage, to take care of the sexual needs of the other and if one refuses, then you should get an annulment.""" I felt better when I left his office but with those teachings and brain washing from years of religious study, I was still hesitant to file for a divorce. It was many years later after I went through drug and alcohol addiction, then recovery, that she finally got sick of me and filed for a divorce. I was actually pretty happy at the time. Although I had no money and no place to go, I was very happy to start over from scratch. I looked at life as a new adventure and a learning experience. I didn't feel as though I was going through with this alone, I felt like I was being guided by God. Every time I asked for a sign, I always seemed to get one.
At this point, the only thing I can suggest to you is to follow your heart and if you are unsure of your actions....ask for a sign!
God Bless
Kim that is all.great advise..Believe it or not your still young enough to find mr. Right and live happily ever after..
No it is not too late. I’d go one step further and try to set that aside for now, To me that is secondary becoming a happy, whole person. First things first: separate or end this marriage as soon as you are able. I know this your goal. Keep inching towards that.
Again, I was minding other people's business. (That will be a hard one for me to break free of. lol) Since I have become so open , curious and chatty... the entire free world does know by now --- I have missed out on alot as well as for the past 11 years. I have shared with many others who also have sex on the brain because of the lack of it. I also love to write and fantasize and i do believe that maybe i have been a little too open and wild with my thoughts. I have learned that much about myself... as much as I crave affection, attention, sex ( and of course love), I realize there are alot of others who do just want sex.
@ rmb---
Your comment does truly explain how I ( and many others) do reach the point of sometimes having a preoccupation with what is lacking (aka sex on the brain) . It's all good, but I wonder if that is what some may think of me. So here is where you tell me--- Does not matter what others think, but instead what I know.. (I will repeat it 10 times. haha)
Lately I have been exhausted and tired and achy when I am done work. This is when I feel my clock may be ticking (like I am running myself into the ground and there will be no happiness in store for me)... will be too late
.
The peace , respect and contentment with myself (being a happy whole person) I do believe will come back to me when I do finally stand up to being silenced, discounted and taken for granted and break free . Finally proving to myself and others I am and deserve more. I just need to keep believing that instead of some often spouted words intended to keep me here
Thank you al for the kind words , advice and support. It means so much. :)
It’s really hard to not focus on what other’s think. I struggle with it too at times. We all want people to approve of us and sort of validate us but it’s just so pointless. What’s the Ricky Nelson lyric: you can’t please everyone so you got to please yourself.
I absolutely agree with you that once you break free you will heal and be whole. I think you can still work towards that while still in your situation.
Hold your head high, every single day.
Yes I do believe old Ricky got it right. And I have finally come to realize just as you said--- I can work toward that in the meantime.
I tend to overreact at every obstacle. My first thought when something goes wrong is... Oh God, why can't anything go right? I must be this awful person and nothing is ever gonna change.! Has been an endless pattern. After I take a breath (or 6) and step back, I can usually see that things are not that bad. I can also find reasoning behind whatever curve ball is thrown my way. (perhaps divine intervention?) I am still working on taking that breath (or 6) BEFORE that deep pit of despair . Yes, I am a work in progress. :)
Kim, you can never truly expect to find true love until you.learn to love yourself!!! That is.a fact...your image will change. You will walk and talk with confidence. People are attracted to confident type. Proper attire that will accentuate.the positive.. Well manicured and neat.hairdo will turn many heads
.when you.sit on a bar stool show.a bit.of leg..90% of men are legmen
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Yormani is correct- it is true and I heard Yard_Eggs say this too in past posts- you can only love another to the degree that you love
yourself. This must be resolved and truly implemented immediately.
So how do you know when this has happened Kim?
There is a funny saying- Who in the hell would want to spend time with you if you have a problem spending time (Being Alone with Oneself).
This is true- it is sooooo true. When you love the Quietness and the Solitude with being with yourself- everything every aspect about
yourself and it does not have to be perfect no not by a long shot- when you are so full of satisfaction and are at Peace with yourself,
the need for Sex, sexual intimacy yes it may be there but it wont tug on you like sex on the brain (as you say) lol.
The women in your family fell into a cycle- the cycle stops with you! Hugs!
Peace. Love
oshe!