Who Cares
When I was triggered by my SIL not speaking to me and a girl I work with not speaking period, my brother who is a Minister would ask "why do you care?" That irritated me because I felt he was saying "get over it; it's no big deal." It really disturbs me when people say "get over it or why do you care." Until I understood "why" I was triggered and what was behind that "trigger" was I able to get over it. I am still not there as that "not speaking" wound runs deep in me. When I was a young child I never knew when my Mom came in the room if she was going to speak or beat.
It's not so much I cared if I was spoken to as I felt like I didn't exist; I was not "worth" speaking to. These are the things I had to look at before I was able to say "who cares." I am getting there; but not totally.
I think it's great for those who can say "who cares" and walk away and really mean it; like your Mom Shari. Sometimes I can do that and sometimes I can't. For me it depends on how it effects me. Other people have issues I personally could look at and say "who cares" as it does not bother me; but it does bother them. I often ask them "what is it that bothers you about X,Y,Z? Then we go from there.
Just my two cents worth.
Have a good day all!
It's not so much I cared if I was spoken to as I felt like I didn't exist; I was not "worth" speaking to. These are the things I had to look at before I was able to say "who cares." I am getting there; but not totally.
I think it's great for those who can say "who cares" and walk away and really mean it; like your Mom Shari. Sometimes I can do that and sometimes I can't. For me it depends on how it effects me. Other people have issues I personally could look at and say "who cares" as it does not bother me; but it does bother them. I often ask them "what is it that bothers you about X,Y,Z? Then we go from there.
Just my two cents worth.
Have a good day all!
Replies
I can certainly understand why people not speaking to you is a trigger. I think it would be natural to be able to shrug off certain issues and not others, for anybody. And it certainly does go both ways. If you can shrug off somebody else\'s feelings in any given situation... Yes, you must be prepared to accept when somebody shrugs off yours...
Hi Vicki,
Right, it is not always possible to not have some type of reaction to another\'s behavior, based upon our own internal stuff, past experiences, upbringing, etc. The good thing though, is that example about the puzzle seems so absurd to me (but important for some reason to my grandmother) that it makes me laugh and reminds me that some of the stuff I get whipped up about is not really such a big deal. (And I am getting better on this anyway, but it was a great reminder for me.)
Honestly, if someone said, \"Why do you care?\" to my grandmother, that might have upset her as well.
Personally, I would not like the not speaking thing, either. It gives off an exclusive or even hostile energy. For people sensitive to the external, it can be a lot more difficult to ignore that.
Hugs,
Shari
I understand Shari and I agree with \"who cares\" a lot of the time. I hear you about your grandmother and I have to laugh how shook up one of my Uncle\'s would get playing pinochle; or someone might get over spilled milk, etc. At those kind of things I could say, \"who cares.\"
There are definitely many things we can laugh about and say \"who cares\" but when it becomes a sensitive personal issue, I do care.
Thank you for your understanding.
xo
I believe the \"Who cares?\" tool is best used to defray feelings of guilt based on someone else\'s opinion of us. That, to me is what \"taking it personally\" means ~ a definition of our worth because we are behaving differently that they need. It stood the blame and guilt game, like in Rosie\'s journal.
As far as not being talked to while in the presence of others, it is a social faux pas, to intentionally not acknowledge someone can be construed as \"withholding\" approval. But isn\'t that blaming again, for how we are feeling, unconsciously? So Who cares if they don\'t want to talk? Why would I give my power up to them and their approval of me, as though I my feelings about myself are dependent on their satisfaction?
It\'s probably more indicate than that, but it does give me pause to question MY motives for blaming them for how I\'m choosing to feel.
Keep the growth toward health,
Rich
Rich: Hopefully I will get to the point someday where I don\'t care if someone speaks or not; just not quite there yet. In the meantime, I will continue to set my personal boundaries. Someday I hope to be SO self-accepting I won\'t
even have to set a boundary! I\'m not blaming anyone; I am owning all of it and working thru it. Actually, people who do not speak to me have been a blessing as it has created much healing....xo
I think \'who cares\' works for me when I am keeping focused on me being responsible for me. It reminds me to focus on what I can control and not on what I cannot. It works for small, day to day issues, like Shar\'s example with the puzzle. It works for things that if I ask myself will this really matter in 10 years?
Oops, wasn\'t finished with that thought. But bigger issues require more contemplation and attention.
You know, Vicki, in re-reading your last comment, I reacted to your word \"boundary\". It seems \'boundary\' is rather defensive. What do you feel about calling it an objective, something we want to do and happen, instead of what we don\'t want? To make the interfering, imposing, emotion resolved objectively rather than emotionally? That our old reaction is matter-of-factually made disabled, and there is no excitement or stress associated with not letting our emotions be over-whelmed? Hard to do, and maybe I\'m just thinking out loud here. Look at it not as a boundary and more of a reward goal. IDK. I\'ll have to clarify my emotions. My intention is to change the motivation for a protective \'boundary\' to a positive rather than a negative, or threat. We already have enough negativity to deal with anyway without choosing words that emote a lack of protective ability. My emotional connection is in the insight that it does not feel comfortable to protect my emotions from influence. That I still believe I can\'t control my own emotions, that I don\'t own any emotions of my own, they are always fluid and unstable, based on my external sensations.
It is a relationship issue though, and our relationship issues as CO\'s is dependent an emotional illness.
Hugs for your contributions,
Rich
I really have no idea what you are saying Rich, sorry! Are you saying make a boundary positive or you feel it\'s not a positive things. Right now for me, setting a boundary is very positive. And what I was further saying, the more I heal internally, I hope to have no need for boundaries at all as I will not be affected by ones behaviour. However, obviously I still have inner forgiveness to do. xo
It wasn\'t well thought out, just a reaction. It\'s that a \"boundary\" is not enforceable to others. As a CO, I would \"expect\" people of observe and obey my boundaries, but that\'s not real, I cannot control others actions and behaviors. They may, or may not, respect my boundaries. Then what? a confrontation? I HATE confrontations, as a CO. So the \"boundary\" is not a real thing, it is subjective. Maybe that\'s what I\'m fishing for, in my mind, a more positive expression for the same idea. Boundary is too final for me, \"out to here and nothing more\".
I want to set that emotional boundary, to assert it, and feel good about it. It needs to be a plausible goal, not a finite boundary. It is a set of actions I must feel good doing; that\'s all I\'m saying. I set \"boundaries\" for me, no one else. I still see them as for someone else, for some reason.
Many Warm Winter Hugszzz,
Rich
(I guess I could have just said \"It\'s semantics\", to me.)
The boundary is/was for me!! I am choosing not to put myself in a situation where I am mistreated....It has nothing to do with the other people. Period. I can\'t change their behaviour. As I said, someday I may be healed enough to no longer set a boundary; but in the meantime, I believe I have more self-forgiveness work to do and I am willing to do that. Take care! Warm Hugszzz back at ya!
OKay! That\'s my point! I\'m learning that TOO! We agree! It\'s about us, how we respect ourselves. It can feel disgusting to COs to self-centered, but that\'s what COs are about. Forgiving yourself for what? What is it that you did to be forgiven for? Guilt?
I feel you and I have gotten crosswise lately, and I belief we are actually on the same path, or similar paths. We are both older, and we STILL want freedom from CO-ness. Go ahead, forgive your-self, but for what? How much is about you? And how much is about others who do not deserve forgiveness? That was their path. Yours was yours, it was never personal. If you want to forgive yourself, IMO, it is forgiving yourself for believing you need to be forgiven. You can do that on your own. IMO! I love your Faith and progress.
DS Healing Hugszzz,
Argumentitive Rich
Lets be sure about this, I can disagree in \"principles argued\", and still Love you with all my heart as a DS Friend...
XOXOXO, sincerely,
Rich
xo
I forgive myself because I condemn myself. However, I am so aware now of what I do and I am quick to let myself off the hook and that is so healing to me. YOU: And how much is about others who do not deserve forgiveness?
What does this mean?
It means they are being who they are, and in order to forgive them as \"bad\" you must first judge them and their path in life. Who, but God, is to judge what their path is.
One of our friends quoted a forgiveness \'prayer\' where they stated they were not obligated to forgive. I read it as the simple belief that God forgives, not humans. Humans do not have all the knowledge of the souls of others to make the determination, IMO. We only have opinions that conform to our priorities and beliefs based on what we were taught and learned from other humans.
I assume that thus is a different viewpoint than yours. Essentially, according to some rigid religious dogma, \"God created us, AND we\'re all \'sinners\' trying to repent. There\'s only one problem for me with that belief, if God created me the way I am, and God\'s powers are infinitely more powerful than mine, then why doesn\'t God step up and take responsibility for how God created me, instead of blaming ME for the flaws God created me to have?!!!
In this case, yours, forgiving yourself for making mistakes probably works, and the \"Let Go\" emotional relaxation mantra. Forgiving is forgiving yourself for believing you must be forgiven, for something, except not your life. You are always doing the best you can, ALWAYS! No exceptions. So no forgiveness is required. In other words, you never have to forgive yourself for not being ideal, you weren\'t created to be ideal. You are already ideal as Vicki Jewel. Feeling better about yourself, respecting your right to be human, does not require forgiving, IMO. You are now better than you once were, and soon you will feel better about yourself than you do now.
Forgiving focuses on the negative. If you want to say forgiving keeps you from \"hanging onto\", or repressing mistakes, COOL! If you say it works for you, if you feel you really must forgive yourself, by all means do so. My point is I believe you really don\'t NEED to \"forgive\" yourself to feel better and more at peace, you can let the emotions about the event go, as unimportant except for the lesson it provided for your soul\'s growth.
Christmas Spirit Hugs,
Rich